Immediately when I contemplate this I know that I can only change myself, primarily, my mind. There are worldly things I can and should work to change as much as I can, but change in the object is not assured. I can only try.
The changes I attempt to bring about in myself are mostly things that bother me. OK, they are always things that bother me. My character defects bother me, and so I seek to change them. I’ve heard it said a lot lately in the rooms that I can’t think my way into right action, I have to act my way into right thinking. I learned this, didn’t I, when I had to stop drinking first in order to achieve sobriety? My drunken self was never ever ready to live life sober. I had to act sober by not drinking in order to learn how to do it and to get comfortable at it and to get good at it.
So it goes with the things I try to change now. I’m trying to be a thinner person by counting calories and so eating like a thinner person eats. My chubby self is never ready to eat like a thin person. I’ve learned over the years to stop when something triggers anger in me, not to react but to let it sit for a while and see how I feel about it when the anger chemicals aren’t flowing. I’m trying to do that with the things I fear. I’m trying to calm my body and my mind and feed the rational, sane side that knows for a fact this thing is not dangerous, or that nothing bad is happening right here, right now.
I’m finding it harder to change as I get older, and I think that’s because the changes are not so drastic now, plus I have to accept the changes of aging, and those can be difficult to adjust to. As always I’m extremely grateful for the template Alcoholics Anonymous has provided as directions for how to do these things, and the successful it has given me in doing it. Can the pickle ever turn back to the cucumber? I don’t know, but today I don’t seek or even accept alcohol, and that is a drastic and successful change if ever there was one.