May 9, 2020 (this day)

Photo on 5-9-20 at 10.34 AM

My desk chair I took from work to work at home and my work buddy for the past – six weeks?  I went into my workplace yesterday.  It was frightening and cheering both.  Through a government program the people I work with are being put back on the payroll even though we have no clients to serve yet.  It’s the present task to find things for them to do while keeping them safe, which means keeping them at home.

My wife has a zoom room and we’ve been meeting there nightly inviting any and everyone but not publishing it, so there are usually six or seven of us.  We usually spend one hour talking about some aspect of AA in relation to this present circumstance.

I’ll admit that zoom AA is something I will miss very much.  I attend in my pajamas, having had taken a bath before the meeting, after work.  Getting dressed and crossing the street for that weekly meeting now seems like a terrible chore.  Also, because our group is so small, I talk a lot, which I really don’t like to do in person, but on zoom the silence feels worse to me.

For the record, I still don’t know anyone who has gotten the virus.  It’s my experience, being in this strange bubble, and I’m grateful.  I fear the virus, and I see fear as a defect I should work to eliminate.  Not take crazy chances, but act responsibly and well and not out of fear.  Going to work was a much better experience than thinking about going to work.

I’ve been working at home on my father’s desk from around 1960.  He died when he was 33, in 1968, from alcoholism.  I’m sitting at the desk writing this now.  Had he lived, he’s be approaching 90.  I feel (though of course I can’t know – alcoholism made sure I can’t know) that he wouldn’t have imagined me here at his desk doing this in this day and this age.  He missed so much.

Sobriety–first, last, all the time (Step Four continued)

If, however, our natural disposition is inclined to self righteousness or grandiosity, or reaction will be just the opposite.  We will be offended to A.A.’s suggested inventory.  No doubt we shall point with pride to the good lives we thought we led before the bottle cut us down.  We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by  excessive drinking.  This being so, we think it logically follows that sobriety–first, last, and all the time–is the only thing we need to work for.  We believe that our one-time good characters will be revived the moment we quit alcohol.  If we were pretty nice people all along, except for our drinking, what need is there for a moral inventory now that we are sober?

I don’t identify too closely with this paragraph.  I don’t want to skip it, but I don’t have much to say about it.

From where I am today, at the beginning of the world reopening from the lock down of the virus, most of my character defects are flagrantly on display to me and this is after 36 years of sobriety.

Oh yeah, May 1 I marked 36 years of sobreity!

Ongoing inventory needed here………