August 28, 2016 (this day)

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Vacations are over and Carole, as a teacher, will go back to work tomorrow.  Always and adjustment.  We’re still living with a little fear inspired by very minor vandalism inspired by our very big Hillary sign.  I always try to take these things as a lesson to be more compassionate toward people who have real problems, and to do something to help them.

We went to a church gathering yesterday and took a quiz about our spiritual gifts.  My top gift was MERCY.  Hm.  That was followed by writing and administration, then exhortation and service.  I can say that all these gifts have been given to me by sobriety and AA.  And, AA style, I looked immediately to where I scored the lowest and these would be music-vocal (not much I can do about that), then hospitality.  The people at the gathering said I am hospitable enough to their eyes but there are people I’ve known for many years.  I question how much I should push myself and how much is my inborn personality that will not be altered.  I NEVER enjoy meeting new people.  I know my objective is to not let them know this, to not make others uncomfortable because I’m uncomfortable.  How much should I seek to meet new people?

At meetings, of course, this is my context.  I being greeted by an uncomfortable but trying to hide it me better than not being greeted by me?  Can I let the extroverts socialize until over time people become familiar to me?  What is best for the blessed newcomer?

 

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Suppose that Instinct Still Cries Out (Step Three continued)

But suppose that instinct still cries out, as it certainly will, “Yes, respecting alcohol, I guess I have to be dependent upon A.A., but in all other matters I must still maintain my independence. Nothing is going to turn me into a nonentity. If I keep on turning my life and my will over to the care of Something or Somebody else, what will become of me? I’ll look like the hole in the doughnut.” This, of course, is the process by which instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development. The trouble is that this kind of thinking takes no real account of the facts. And the facts seem to be these: The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.

Let’s examine for a moment this idea of dependence at the level of everyday living. In this area it is startling to discover how dependent we really are, and how unconscious of that dependence. Every modern house has electric wiring carrying power and light to its interior. We are delighted with this dependence; our main hope is that nothing will ever cut off the supply of current. By so accepting our dependence upon this marvel of science, we find ourselves more independent personally. Not only are we more independent, we are even more comfortable and secure. Power flows just where it is needed. Silently and surely, electricity, that strange energy so few people understand, meets our simplest daily needs, and our most desperate ones, too. Ask the polio sufferer connected to an iron lung who depends with complete trust upon a motor to keep the breath of life in him.

Instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development.

When I consider a character defect, or a way in which I think I should change, this is exactly what happens.  I’m grateful that I have the huge, miraculous example in my life of getting sober.  I can remember that instinct and logic fought my sobriety at every turn, and that it was an act of will to give up my will and do the program thing.  Now I try to apply that concept to my present difficulties which do not involve alcohol.

A list of things I’m dependent upon is long.  Along with electricity there is water, central heating, and all that goes into making food available to me since I could not feed and support myself without many complex systems and many varied people.  I depend on the police, firefighters, doctors, the list is really endless.  All this dependence makes me free to pursue things that don’t have to do with basic life support, like writing in a blog.  I also have the experience of working with people who have multiple, severe disabilities.  Some of them depend on others to give them a drink and for every movement they make.  My society at this time and place is incredibly supportive.

I had to depend on the program in order to stop drinking and live.  A crucial point of that was to understand that I couldn’t follow my own will any longer.  My own will was trying to kill me by driving me to drink.  My own personal logical experiments with drinking sanely did not work and nearly killed me.

Today, honestly, I’m dealing with a little bit of fear inspired by the current political situation.  My support of Hillary Clinton is making me a little bit of a target for some negativity and violence.  Instinct and logic are telling me, at the extreme, to move, and start my life over again as someone who doesn’t particularly care who gets to be president.   It is a complete and total coincidence that the portion of the 12 and 12 I was set to write about today addresses just this dilemma.  Spiritual development, here I come!