December 20, 2020 (this day)

A friend at a meeting remarked, “In the past, I would have used over this.” In the present, I hear that as, “In the past, I would have killed myself over this.” I have to consider the seriousness of what I’m saying, thinking, feeling. I have to use the program to not reach that level of desperation anymore, not ever again.

Step 2

I was just at a zoom meeting where someone commented that we don’t need to rely on meetings, we need to rely on a higher power.

The higher power daunted me in the beginning, for sure. I still hold it as a very loose concept.

A different zoom meeting I attended read the second step from the 12 and 12 and I was convicted by this part, on page 30:

……we had substituted negative for positive thinking……this trait was an ego-feeding proposition. In belaboring the sins of some religious people, we could feel superior to all of them……..self -righteousness, the very thing we had contemptuously condemned in others, was our besetting evil. This phony form of respectability was our undoing, so far as faith was concerned. But finally, driven to AA, we learned better.

I’d like to think I’ve learned better, and maybe I have in that I can recognize it more easily now. But if I substitute conservative for religious – in belaboring the sins of some conservative people – I feel like I am back at square one.

The paragraph ends there, at “we learned better,” and it doesn’t give instructions for how to learn. Be my right size, I know. Many of the people I view negatively because of their political beliefs are certainly “better” people than I am, doing more good than I do, and possibly not viewing me negatively, the way I view them.

Trudging. The. Road.

December 6, 2020 (this day)

My AA and work life remain the same. Meetings open and close, my work place opens and closes. The virus is worse in my area that at any other time, though more things are open than were in March and April. I haven’t seen my mother in over a year, the longest time apart in my lifetime. I haven’t seen my daughter since July. That may be the longest time apart there as well.

I continue to mostly zoom with a small group of people five nights a week. People join AA who have never been to an in person meeting! This is hard for me to comprehend.

I do have a history with online meetings. I met my wife at one way back in 1996. Back then you took turns typing. It was tedious, but I did it mostly because I had small children. Once they were big enough to stay on their own while I went to a meeting, I stopped going online.

Now I wonder why, a bit. It’s super convenient. I would not attend a meeting five nights a week if I had to drive there, be there, then drive home. There was a time in my life when I was new(ish) to AA and I did that. That time is not now. I hope this online community is something that stays in the future, anyway. It will help as I have old me at home, rather than young children.

Otherwise……..people talk about post traumatic stress but I think we are still in the trauma, aren’t we? Let’s have traumatic stress and save the “post” for another day. Hopefully soon.