I set out to begin one week of looking hard at my character defects and how they present themselves in my real life. This in preparation to say I have “taken” the seventh step again at this time, and am ready to move on to Step Eight. Which is a whole other can of worms.
I had in mind to use a little memo book that I have in my desk at work. I had bought a pack of these, years ago, initially to keep a record of staff behavior, mostly wrong-doing. I needed to do that, being in a supervisory position. I did that only briefly, and I’ve used the books for other things. Most painful to me now is the one I labeled “list” and used to record things I needed to talk about with my supervisor, the one who was forced to leave.
But lately I’ve been using one to write down what I eat each day, and one to record the days present of someone I work with. So I had in mind to get another of these this morning, and to record character defects, and to see what I come up with.
I have said and written that I haven’t been a particularly resentful person. Resentment as the number one offender hasn’t resonated with me over the years. I find fear and sadness to be bigger offenders for me. Or so I thought.
I got to work around 7:30 in the morning, and got out one of those books. I remembered back to the 90 minutes since I had gotten out of bed this morning.
Between 6 and 7 this morning, I was resentful toward (1) Carole for the sleeping arrangements of last night. It’s a long story, but I often feel that she disrupts and disturbs my sleep, which I don’t get much of to begin with. I have what I think is a solution, and she doesn’t follow it. (2) The “McCain Victory Headquarters” I pass on my way to work. (3) A co-worker who indicated on the master schedule where she would be today. (4) Carole for what she wants to do on election night.
Between 6 and 7 I also felt fear about walking the dog, and sadness about losing old boss.
Between 7 and 8 I felt resentment about (1) workers who were trying to arrange things to their own advantage, and a supervisor who had no idea what was going on, when he should have known (2) two co-workers who helped bring down old boss and now have a cozy (sarcastic) chat every single morning, no doubt (to my mind) comparing notes and making sure things go their way (3) co-worker who, though I love her, is very negative and complaining and didn’t support old boss, though now she wishes everything was the way old boss had attempted to make it (4) another agency who is screwing up the transfer of clients, making more work for me.
Between 8 and 9 I was resentful toward (1) co-worker and supervisor arranging things to their own advantage and (2) co-worker with an attitude and a half and I was sad, again, over how things have transpired.
At 9 I was resentful toward old boss’s old boss, who really screwed things up royally. At 9 I decided this list was long enough, way too long, and I looked up the word resentment. I can’t find my source again, but it said something like, “Anger or bitterness felt repeatedly as a result of real or imagined wrong done.”
I should also note that between all those resentful, fearful, sad feelings there was lots of good stuff. And at 10 am, I had a meeting that lasted over an hour and really went well. And I went on with the day after that not consumed by bad feelings of one type or another.
But I really have shocked myself. Writing all that down amazes me, and not in a good way. I did not used to be like this. It has been more than a year and a half since the badness went down at work, and it makes me ill to see that I let it still have this much of my day. I’m going to leave this for now. I always have a nagging feeling like I’m being a terrible example to others. That people will not want to achieve and maintain sobriety if I can be this messed up this far down the road. It’s not like that though. Within all this is a life that I love and a day that was worth it. I’m going to keep going.