August 29, 2018 (this day)

I’m being fairly successful, for me, in continuing to bring my character defects to mind and to think about how they hurt me and others.  It’s a good time for this at work, since we are deep in the midst of “not enough” staff and that is so very hard for me to handle.  Politics also gets stickier and more frantic as we approach another election.  My character defects that come into play with “not enough” staff and anything political are vicious and strong and I am certainly powerless over them on my own.

Day to day, Carole and I have joined a gym and we’re actually going.  My character defects around that are, mostly, self-consciousness/shyness/introvertedness and sloth.  And gluttony.  I’m shy, fat, and lazy!  Life is, truly, good.

We Want to Find Out Exactly How (Step Four continued)

We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction. Without a willing and persistent effort to do this, there can be little sobriety or contentment for us. Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found that the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.

 

I decided, for better or worse, to do an actual fourth step of sorts.  I looked at this text and thought about it.  I looked at my list of character defects.  I got some scraps of paper and quickly wrote down much of this kind of thing:

house and car:  fear, greed, lazy, self-conscious

health:  fear, greed, lazy, self-conscious

pets:  fear, anxiety, not good enough, guilt

work: fear, anxiety, afraid to confront, afraid to say no, fear of losing partner, resentment, guilt

politics:  fear, anger, lazy, self-righteous, judgmental, despair

Of course there are details to go along with each.  I’m not sure it’s a traditional fourth step, and I’m not sure it’s not.  You would think that after 34 years of sobriety and 40 years in and around the program, I’d be more sure.

If I continue with this, it would be my third formal fourth step in 34 to 40 years.

Going back to the text, I think I can claim persistence and more than a little sobriety.  I have had much much contentment.  As for faith, I don’t know….