February 20, 2017 (this day)

I’m sick, and I think it’s hay fever, even though it should be deep midwinter in my part of the world.  It’s almost 70 degrees, sunny.  Spring bulbs are coming up.  It’s frightening.

Along with so much else these days.  I remember sitting in a political science class in 1984(ish) and realizing the danger of the nuclear weapons the world had produced by then.  Frightening.  There’s so much more now, and it’s so much more dangerous.  I don’t understand why some people in the United States don’t care if the bumble bee becomes extinct, and why their supporters don’t care.

In other news, nine days from now my son won’t have his 29th birthday.  He was a leap year baby!  Born to this alcoholic, never yet endangered by my alcoholism.  Given that, I should have more faith in miracles than I do.

Advertisements

Eleventh Step Prayer

Self-Centered Fear

It’s Friday and I’ve found I’m “alone” in management at work.  This is something that will increase in my life over the next ten years as my work partner of almost 20 years retires and probably won’t be replaced in the same capacity.  Really, I’m far from “alone.”  I work for a big agency with 20-30 staff people just at my site, and many managers above me readily available.  Still, hearing that my immediate manager will be off and my partner being off spark a fear reaction in me.  I will breathe a sigh of relief at the end of this day that I made it through, which is just goofy.

 

Trying to think of how to embrace this day enthusiastically and confidently (because I am competent and should be confident).  Thinking of the Saint Francis prayer because that’s the next piece of program stuff I should consider.  I’ve long visualized a “channel of peace” that extends from the heavens down to me.  But the darkness/light, despair/hope, doubt/faith rubric is hard for me except in the most dire of situations.  Today I want to bring faith to overcome my own doubt.  I am so blessed and so fortunate to have the ability to help people at least a little bit every single day at work. If I’m “alone,” “at the top,” my attitude will be the most important one here today.

 

Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace . . .

PS added this evening:  I nearly had to evacuate 60 individuals with multiple, severe disabilities and many many staff into the cold, cold morning, as a bathroom fan stopped working, heated up and started smoking.  Whew.

 

February 22, 2017 (this day)

img_0878A little bit better and a little bit better, inch by painful inch.

Carole and I had the dining room painted and wallpapered.  It was the last room we hadn’t painted since we moved in…..twelve years ago now?  It looks great, and with Konmari we’re getting rid of lots of stuff.  But not enough.  My work is good.  My daughter is buying a house, and that is both good and bad.  I’ll confess here that it breaks my heart a little how far away she lives.  Of course I’m grateful that she’s happy and healthy and that all it well with her.  It hasn’t always been and I take not one minute for granted.  But I miss her, and I can’t help wishing she was here and buying a house and having a baby…..That’s not my reality.  Step Seven tells me I’m not being humble, pining for things I don’t have.  So I aim to completely eradicate the pining, but I don’t think I’ll ever make it completely.

 

Three weeks into the new administration I have lessened my despair and heartache a little bit.  I’m taking constructive action and I’ll do that every day for the rest of my life.  Step Seven also tells me that I learn to be the way I should be through the pain of character building.  And while I do view character building as something worth while in and of itself, as the Step promises, it seems like nothing gets my muscles moving like heartache and heartbreak and despair.  So here I am.  Sober, grateful, and moving forward, inch by painful inch.

Baleful Results (Step Three continued)

We realize that the word “dependence” is as distasteful to many psychiatrists and psychologists as it is to alcoholics. Like our professional friends, we, too, are aware that there are wrong forms of dependence. We have experienced many of them. No adult man or woman, for example, should be in too much emotional dependence upon a parent. They should have been weaned long before, and if they have not been, they should wake up to the fact. This very form of faulty dependence has caused many a rebellious alcoholic to conclude that dependence of any sort must be intolerably damaging. But dependence upon an A.A. group or upon a Higher Power hasn’t produced any baleful results.

I’m struggling right now to regain emotional and mental equilibrium.  I’ve been protesting against many of my elected officials and I think I’ve found some good ways to do that for the time being.  I’d like to give part of my day, every day, to it, and leave it the rest of the time.  This I am not able to do.  I’m not sure what’s appropriate right now, what’s healthy and good for me and rest of humanity, really.  And how self-centered to think that what I do might result in anything!  I’m trying to be a drop in the bucket, today and every day.

And so, my program applied to this.  I should be dependent upon my higher power.  When things are bad in my life, I should double down on my program.  I’m not doing that.  I believe in some kind of abstract way that the answers are there for me, but right here, right now, it seems like the main benefit of more program would be less mental time spent on politics.  Which wouldn’t be a bad thing at all.

I don’t feel like this reverie has added anything to anything, but I’m leaving it here if only to look back on and to see how I coped without drinking.  I’m not drinking.