It’s a work day Wednesday. It’s a short week for me because I took last Friday and then this Monday off. I really have a problem with time off, vacation and travel. I’m trying to get over it.
Last Saturday night, Carole and I were awakened by voices outside at 2 am. We live across the street from two churches, and there are businesses on the street below us, near enough to throw a rock and hit one. But mostly our area is residential.
We live in a place that does get hot in the summer, but not terribly so. I hate the heat and love air conditioning, and it was actually a non-negotiable when we were looking for a house. But we ended up without it, and to put it in would mean losing my beloved attic, so that’s not happening. We have window units but so far this year, it just hasn’t been hot enough to put them in. I don’t like the window units, because they block the view and the breeze of the window, and because we have to close ourselves in the bedroom when they’re on. Our living room isn’t suitable for a window unit in the current configuration.
So no air. So all windows wide open and us sleeping peacefully.
So we heard voices. A young male say something like, “Ready, go!” A noise and a car and looking out the window, they had thrown garbage on to Carole’s car and thrown a bucket with plants in it into the street.
Carole called the police and washed her car. The normal thing to wonder, I guess, is “is it random or are we a target?”
I have Hillary and Obama bumper stickers on my car. Carole has just Obama (not that I’d judge) and a gay strip rainbow. Most of our block is for Obama and Hillary, though leading up to the election people did steal signs. I’d like to think they wanted them for their own yard. Probably not.
For me it immediately brings to mind the scarier things I’ve heard of. The Letting Go blog is certainly inspiring in this way – and in other ways. My area, my house, my town, my country is so safe compared to others. I know that being attacked in this way hits the primitive areas of the brain that say flee!! or fight!! I really want to over ride these messages especially as they relate to my fear of flying.
Carole’s leaving Saturday for a week away. I’ll be alone, since the kids aren’t living with us, and in my whole life that’s been a rare occurrence. My mother left me alone from the time I was about 16 for the odd week here or there, but since I had a baby at 23, it’s been rare for me to be totally alone. Honestly I feel mostly safe, but I can at times scare myself when I’m there alone in the dark.
Xandra the big black dog did not stir when the hooligans trashed the car. She did however pounce on the UPS guy a few days ago. That happened in the blink of any eye and Carole and I can’t be positive that the UPS guy didn’t open the glass door. It’s alarming to think that Xandra could have opened it by jumping on it, and comforting to know she scared the guy. I take dog aggression very seriously, and it’s very important to me to think that the dog would not harm a person no matter what. To me, the protective value of the dog is in the scaring of the person, never in actual violence. I try hard to prevent Xandra from jumping on anyone and I never want her to think it’s acceptable to do so. She’s too big, and she could knock someone down. She’s not a jumper, she only does it when people are arriving at our house. We try to prevent and deter her barking, also, and she is quite a barker. Still I do think that in actual danger and a confrontation, she would scare or jump on someone and hopefully they would leave. But she can’t react to voices on the street, or we’d never sleep, at least not on summer Saturdays.
So that’s on my mind. Most of what else is on my mind is (shocking, shocking, shocking) uncertainty at work! Still! Again! Always! Rumors fly and nothing is resolved. Day to day the work is very wonderful. Day to day I know that something must change soon, eventually, today, tomorrow.
I so need to appreciate here, now. If I can do that, I can appreciate all the minutes of my flight during which I’m not crashing, which is all of them. No one will fault me some terror if the plane goes down. All my rehearsal won’t get me ready to be calm during that. All my rehearsal won’t cause it or prevent it. I need to rehearse calm and practice calm and learn to be calm. Just how often I write about this shows me it’s way too huge in my mind.