August 30, 2022 (this day)

They say if you want to know what your character defects are, fall in love. I will add to that, have your mother’s husband need lots of care, be far away.

Here’s a character defect I don’t talk a lot about, because who would I talk to? Being an only child has made me fearful, envious, lonely. No one shared my growing up experience, and no one understands the way this feels now.

Step 9 (made direct amends)

My father died when he was 33 and I was 6, and so my relationship with his family was on and off. I visited and wrote and called through the years. When I was 18, my grandfather, his father, was dying. My aunt called to let me know and still I don’t have clear memories of what when on or what I did or what I said. I know I was in the depths of my drinking, which was constant.

My grandfather died. I got sober. I got engaged, and married, and pregnant. At one of these showers, some of my cousins refused to come because of the way I had acted. Being finally sober and a good AA, I sought out my aunts and I apologized, though not completely sure what I had done, I was completely sure it was bad.

Aunts and cousins forgave me, hurray, for things I had said when completely sober. I don’t know. Some stupid remark that insulted them. I apologized for what I said when drunk, and was forgiven for what I said when sober. AA works, even when I don’t know what I’m doing.