Life is short and we have not too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark way with us. Oh, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind. Henri-Frederic Amiel – 1885
I have an excess of negative emotion. There is someone I need to trust, who I feel is untrustworthy. It’s a very close relationship, like being partners or a team at work, or like being in the same small family. The emotion is so negative that it feels like my blood is running cold, or something else physically all-encompassing. As my mind naturally and automatically seeks to quiet itself and return to calmness, I tell myself this person IS trustworthy. But I’ve been burned.
Has something changed? I think of the constant and profound lies of the adolescent. I’ve lived through raising two of those. At what point does that lying child become the trustworthy adult? How to risk being let down and made a fool of again?
That is the language of resentment. A resentment comes from a sense of injury or insult. A sense of. OK, everyone is human.
At times I can see the big, long picture. At times I understand it’s better to go forward with faith and yes risk being hurt again. But even as my mind fights to regain calmness and normality a part of me holds back, telling myself not to be so stupid to trust again.
I feel the shortness of life mentioned in the prayer. I feel the darkness of the way mentioned there. For my brief and daily contacts I can bring myself back to remember to be kind. But for the deeper, longer relationships. I don’t know what to do.