February 25, 2022 (this day)

I’ve left my job of 25 years and I’m helping out there part time getting things in order. Among the things I’m grateful for is that they found something for me to do so I haven’t had to have a big, final goodbye. I’ve given up my desk and so I’m snacking from a corner of a table in mail room. This is a huge life change for me and I have no idea where it’s going. I worked in a day program for adults who have developmental disabilities for 25 years, and before that I worked at another. My mother started in the field when I was 5, and really I started then. Big change.

So far I have gone to many more AA meetings. Still mostly zoom, and one in person. I always figured I would go to more meetings in retirement as sort of a leisure activity, but I never imagined it would be possible from my home in my pajamas. I’m amazed and grateful, and mindful that a world-wide tragedy brought on this innovation.

Nothing else much is up with my day, though that’s enough! I have physical stuff from aging and from the character defect of gluttony (over-eating), and the challenge of fitting that into a new life style. I’d like to work (but never supervising people again) but am I physically up to it?

By the way, the stingy snack pictured was courtesy of my wife, who seems here to be aiding my determination not to over eat.

Entirely Ready? (Step 6)

I glanced at a popular book about Step 6, not AA literature. The part I opened to said that we feel stress in physical symptoms.

I’m falling apart, or getting old, or getting old and falling apart. After a life time of decent health, this is hard.

When I was new to sobriety, I figured I would never successfully work the AA program because there was no way I was going to, for example, speak to my mother’s husband. I realized even then that not speaking to him was a character defect. Now my thinking is different, and I wonder in despair, will I ever be entirely ready to give up the character defect of gluttony, otherwise known as over-eating?

Self-centered fear, as the activator of my character defects, seems to me to be getting worse as I have more days behind me then ahead, as the effects of aging take their toll and I’m less able to do ordinary things. As I wonder, still and again, do I have enough?

One of my oldest AA relationships is over. One of my sponsors (I had a few), someone who knew me when I was 16 and first in the rooms, died. Sober. There are many lessons but today I’ll use this one. Her mother had terrible dementia, and she worried for many years that she would also. She didn’t, it was cancer, but the worry.

I’m grateful today that I understand I have to look inward to fix what’s wrong with me. I’m grateful that I have a plan, internalized at this point, that tells me I have to be ready to GIVE IT UP.