June 15, 2022 (this day)

Today is a day for the infirmities of old age. I turned 60 a few weeks ago. That is a major accomplishment, in my mind, as my father died when he was 33, from alcoholism, and from what I can tell he didn’t drink as badly as I did. My grandmother, his mother, died at 56 after suffering from depression severe enough to get her shock treatments back in the 1960s. My uncle, my mother’s brother, was 60 when he died a few years ago. I left him a message offering to share my experience after he was already dead.

So here I am, undeserved. And I do realize that I’m fairly healthy and extremely privileged. I went to the periodontist to have my teeth cleaned this morning. All my teeth, except for one, are original. I’m going to the physical therapist this afternoon for help with knees which began getting help when I was nine years old. Privileged.

So I’m trying and failing to stop focusing on what is wrong with me. The main symptom that intrudes into my thoughts and my day is dizziness. I’ve had an MRI, an EKG, an XYZ and PDQ it is not diagnosable! I think it may be sinuses.

I need to have my defect of fear removed, and quite a bit of self centeredness. I think I’m good on gratitude, which shows me that since I think I’m good, I also need humility. And more gratitude. Just for today.