AA has no opinion on outside issues, hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy. I am not drawing the AA name into controversy. I’m sharing how I, as an old-timer, deal with my life, which has taken an extremely hard knock due to happenings of a controversial nature.
My emotional life has. It’s a quadruple blow, I’ve some to understand. #1 I am a long time Hillary supporter. #2 I am a long time feminist. #3 The opponent is a disgusting human being, and the people who voted for him seem to like that or to not care. #4 The unfairness of her getting so many more votes makes it seem unbearable.
Unbearable. I’m not kidding. My emotions can still go there in an instant.
Meanwhile my life and my program continue as they have for the past 38 years (32 of them in continuous sobriety). Actually I’ve upped the program piece a tiny bit with reading from As Bill Sees It at night before bed. I’ve added readings to my day in tough times in the past. More repetition of the program on my brain can only be a good thing.
Writing here is part of my personal program. I’ve taken the topics from my topic list one by one and the next one is Easy Does It. The current step is Step Three. No matter what I pick or how I do it, if I apply it to my life I find that my happiness increases or, in times like this, maybe, my unhappiness decreases. Right now there’s an struggle inside of me between the part that wants to get better and the part that resists. I know this is familiar and appropriate stage of grief, where if I buy into getting better, I’ll be accepting that this has happened, and part of me resists that, knowing how crushing it will be when accepted. But the program clearly tells me that I can’t stay in the negative emotions, or I will drink, and I will die.
So, Easy Does It. I’m familiar with it’s place in the Big Book. I’m familiar with the advice we give newcomers about trying to solve all their problems and manage all their circumstances yesterday. I looked up the word “easy,” and I noticed the synonym of “serenely.” Serenity is of course a cornerstone of sobriety, and so I took that meaning of the word to apply to myself, today, in my current heartache.
The “do it” part for me today is resist, object, obstruct…I come close to saying “deny” but I know denial to be wrong. Resisting, objecting, obstructing, they are words that denote negative energy and so I’m not sure that they can be done serenely. I’m reading with interest what the Quakers write about this situation since their protests are always peaceful and very, very meaningful.
I have a glimmer of an ideal I’ll aim for today. That is where I am grateful for having been a part of these historic events, and where I help use them to be a part in bringing about the change I want to see. I can absolutely see that happening every day around me, I just can’t join whole-heartedly yet because right on the surface, my heart is still broken.