It’s a special kind of mental gymnastics I engaged in that tried to calculate three beers or two wines or two slugs from the bottle straight. What was too much, and what was too far? I attempted over and over and over again to hit the right amount of alcohol to give me that slight, pleasant buzz. I never achieved it after the first few times I drank.
I know I may have fallen faster and harder than some alcoholics. Some who achieved the perfect buzz for years until they didn’t. But my memory of the perfect buzz was so perfect that I felt compelled to try again and again and again and again, always going too far, too fast, drinking too much, not stopping at just enough.
My calculations did not work, and so I had to accept and understand that THE FIRST DRINK GETS ME DRUNK in that once I drank, my judgement was impaired enough to make it impossible for me to control how much I would drink. Even though terrible or just bad consequences didn’t kick in until the third or fourth drink, perhaps, I could not predict or control it or them. To 100% guarantee I would not drink too much, I had to stay away not from the fourth, third, or second, but from the first.
Now, I’d love to employ that method on some other things I should stay away from…… I have stayed away from the first cigarette but now the rest of my bodily vices are trying to kill me.
Move a muscle, change a thought. Call someone. Read something. Remind myself what road I’m on, which way the road goes. Toward what? Sick, painful, soon death? Or a hopefully healthy old age.
Anyway I am here to report that staying away from the first drink has been 100% successful in keeping me sober for 13,011 days. And counting.