November 21, 2019 (this day)

We celebrated Thanksgiving for our clients at my work today for my first time in a very long time without my work partner.  I’ve been through a lot of change and loss there recently, but I somehow feel like I always say that.

For actual Thanksgiving, my mother will fly to my house as usual.  We’ll then drive her to my daughter’s, where we’ll stay for a few days.  My daughter’s mother-in-law (God bless her) will have all of over including my son and his fiancé.  It’s different.

I have what I like to refer to as nostalgia as a character defect.  The definition includes longing.  When I think of what I long for, it isn’t necessarily Thanksgiving at my great aunt’s or at my aunt’s, I long for some tradition that doesn’t change except that some people die and others are born.  That’s never been real.  But I long for it.

For me, there is fear and loneliness and sadness is still being an only child.

Every aspect of the holiday coming up is a call for gratitude for me.  My mother, wife, children, are all doing well.  They all want to see me, and I want to see them all.  I have (mostly) passed through that season of loss at work, and things look promising.  I am able to stand it, day after day, and of course to find lots of joy in it.

I need to remember the Thanksgivings when I drank to stand being around people.  I may have even skipped one, drunk or hung over badly.  Alcohol tried to take everything away from me, and nearly did, yet today I have everything, and alcohol isn’t a factor.

Grateful.

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