So many times, when I talk about struggling or slipping, I want to communicate to someone (maybe a particular someone, maybe not) that it is possible to go from “chronic relapser” status to “oldtimer.” Talking to Carole last night I was saying that I have trouble identifying with people who come to the program and stop drinking and that’s it. That was far from it for me, and I think it’s a different (though similar) kind of deflation for the chronic relapser to show up at meetings having slipped again and again and again. And I really beg the people at that meeting not to be anything but welcoming and maybe a little bit sad or scared. But not judgmental. That makes it tougher to come back.
It’s an anniversary night at my meeting tomorrow and that will be nice. I got some news that another of my cousins died young and mysteriously. I’ve had only sporadic contact with my father’s side of my family since he died when I was six. He was 33. One of my cousins died a year ago at 46, and this one recently at 51. I know he died from alcoholism but I don’t know what they died from. It shakes me up a bit. In a way, I wish I knew that they did die from alcoholism because today, I’m able to recoil from alcohol as from poison. A bad heart or veins or something is trickier (for me) to deal with than alcohol.
I go to meetings and talk to others and work the steps. Chronic relaspers, join me!