February 24, 2012 (this day)

So many times, when I talk about struggling or slipping, I want to communicate to someone (maybe a particular someone, maybe not) that it is possible to go from “chronic relapser” status to “oldtimer.”  Talking to Carole last night I was saying that I have trouble identifying with people who come to the program and stop drinking and that’s it.  That was far from it for me, and I think it’s a different (though similar) kind of deflation for the chronic relapser to show up at meetings having slipped again and again and again.  And I really beg the people at that meeting not to be anything but welcoming and maybe a little bit sad or scared.  But not judgmental.  That makes it tougher to come back.

It’s an anniversary night at my meeting tomorrow and that will be nice.  I got some news that another of my cousins died young and mysteriously.  I’ve had only sporadic contact with my father’s side of my family since he died when I was six.  He was 33.  One of my cousins died a year ago at 46, and this one recently at 51.  I know he died from alcoholism but I don’t know what they died from.  It shakes me up a bit.  In a way, I wish I knew that they did die from alcoholism because today, I’m able to recoil from alcohol as from poison.  A bad heart or veins or something is trickier (for me) to deal with than alcohol.

I go to meetings and talk to others and work the steps.  Chronic relaspers, join me!

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