July 11, 2009

Today at my meeting we’ll celebrate a member’s anniversary but also have a goodbye party.  He’s moving far away and that’s sad.  He’ll be missed in the group.

Today I picked Nicholas up  from school, drove him to the phone store, paid $50 to have his damaged phone replaced, change my name on the account, and drove him back to school, then went home.

I’m “facebook” friends with four people I went to school with.  One of them is actually my friend – we’ve never lost touch over the (29) years since school.  The others reconnected with me on facebook only.  One of them, let’s call her Adriana, is facebook friends with two other people from school, let’s call them Roza and Cassie.  So Adriana is my facebook friend, and Roza and Cassie are her facebook friends, but not mine.  We all went to school together from kindergarten through 12th grade.

Adriana, Roza and I all live several hundred miles from our home town, though all in different directions.  Cassie moved back to our town years ago.  I remember when she was looking for a house there, because another friend of mine was selling her house, and Cassie came to look at it.  My friend was having to move because the area was too expensive.  That had happened to me also.  We both started off with our children at our same schools, same beaches and playgrounds and doctors and such, and we both had to leave.  We were jealous of Cassie, just moving there, affording it how we do not know.

Now Cassie commented on facebook that she was walking through out hometown, and Adriana told her she spends too much time there.  Cassie said she knows she does, but with kids spread between (hometown) pool, high school tennis courts, and (hometown) school camp, she couldn’t go anywhere else.  She’s always driving them around.

Now Cassie is my age and my kids are 23 and 21.  I had them younger than she did so of course hers are younger.  I don’t know how many she has or what they are like or where she lives or who she’s married to.  But when I read her comment I felt that jealousy that she has the life I wanted.  Hometown, lots of kids, staying home with them.

I feel the jealousy again, even as I write this.

Let me count the ways I know this to be false.  I’m sure if I knew the details of Cassie’s life, I would not want to to trade it for mine – kids, money and town included.  I do not want to be with a man who could help me do that.  Had I been successful in staying there, I would not be driving Nicholas to get a new phone and back to school.  He’s very bright, and there wasn’t a university of his caliber in driving distance.  Nothing much was in driving distance, mainly because we lived near a very big city.  Getting anywhere was a trip, and not a short trip.  I don’t know if Erika would have stayed nearby, but she has for now, here.  I doubt she could have afforded to live on her own where we were from.

Of course I can easily count the ways my life is good and probably better than it would have been had I gotten what I’d wanted.  More than that, I can see that I really didn’t try very hard for the life I wanted, it wasn’t really as important to me as other things.

I know that negative emotions like jealousy are poison.  I do try to change that feeling quickly when I feel it.  And I don’t feel it often.  I guess my heart will always recognize some things like that dream I had of staying in my hometown, and when I see someone doing just that, I’m bound to feel a pang.  I’m glad though that I’ve learned to move on in my thoughts and emotions.  Really glad.

And I’ll try to remember that people leaving, like tonight, enables others to come.  But I won’t like it, not tonight.

When Evening Comes (Step Ten continued)

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day.

The part that follows this goes into ways to view the day and what occurred.

I don’t do this daily.  I don’t do this often.  Honestly it is not at all appealing to me to try.

Today I – got up (good), walked the dog (good), went to work and worked …….

Attractive Promotions

Someone I know in real life asked if that previous post was about him.  He is and has been seeking a promotion at his job.  It wasn’t, and it isn’t.  Some of it fits, though.

I’ll put myself loosely in this same category.  There are some of us of a certain age – middle age, if we seek to be 100.  I do!  So middle aged.  Anyway some, like me, are lucky and blessed enough to have been working at a career, in a field, for some time.  We (I) make a sometimes very good, sometimes good enough living at this.  We’ve gained experience and a certain amount of expertise.  I know that in my case, where I work, just the knowledge acquired over eleven years of where things are and how they work is very very valuable, and I can save myself and others lots of time because of my experience.

We like and love these jobs.  Not that we would work them day in and day out if we didn’t have to work.  But given that we have to work, we love what we do.  Some of us have been given promotions and raises and awards.  And the very luckiest of us (in my opinion) do work that is actually important, that actually helps people and communicates some little bit of God’s love through us and our work.

We have ten, fifteen, twenty years of this left to go.  Again, if we’re blessed and permitted, if we’re lucky and healthy.  But from here, for today, it looks likely.

Now what?

My own transition at work is what sparked my previous post, but I think it fits a lot of us in this situation.  Sobriety and the program tell me, they speak to me, they hold directions and instructions and ideals if I will seek them.

I previously told my promotion seeking friend what I think of that situation.  I think he won’t be happy and fulfilled just coasting now, going through the motions to obtain the next title and salary but coasting on the job.  I told him to think about his intelligence and creativity, his profession and his abilities and to find a way to grow and be still better, to really help others, to make a difference in the lives of others.  He can do it.  Or he can coast.

I’m facing uncertainty on the job (what else is new?) and as I weather this transition, I was telling my friend I need to think about what I can bring to the situation, not what I can get from it.  I’m a poor specimen of 25 years of sobriety in that I do not know what book that’s in or what page it is on, but I know it is written in the instructions of my beloved program and I know that the closer I follow it, the happier I am, and the more useful I am to others.  I know that if I see the end of my life approaching, I will be most satisfied with those things and the titles and promotions will mean nothing after I’m gone.

My Unbelief

Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief. – Mark 9:24

I’ll go out on thin thin thin line and try to write about this verse. Coming from the Bible, and famous at that, I’m sure much wiser people than I have interpreted it and explained the meaning. I have to say I have not formally studied it and I don’t remember what any authority has said.

I left my prayer book at work over the long weekend and so I didn’t work with it.

The first time this verse gained meaning for me is when I was visiting home when I lived far, far away. I had developed a fear of flying, and I had to fly frequently to see my family. I was with them, getting ready to go back, and trying not to panic, when I picked up a small religious booklet that my in-laws had lying on a table. It had many calming verses, prayers, poems and such and this was one. I took it on the plane then and every time since.

So to me, and me only, this verse acknowledges my doubt, which in my case is huge. A very large part of my brain and spirit holds it possible that people are no more than highly evolved animals, and that no force but the force of nature guides the universe, and that death really is the end.

At the same time I do mostly and most often believe in a higher power, though my vision of that power is very vague and foggy. It’s part of the confusion and part of the limits of my human understanding that I would ask this power to grant me further understanding.

Now my feelings about prayer are that prayer changes nothing but my mind. I do not believe that a higher power is listening, making any kind of tally sheet or changing earthly conditions based on these prayers. I also believe the Emmett Fox idea that if I pray for something specific, I may act to bring this result about, when maybe that’s not what was “meant to be.” As a loose example say I want a promotion. Praying for it, rather than to pray for God’s will and the best solution for everyone, might make me act in ways designed to bring about this promotion, rather than trying to be most useful.

In some ways I guess it’s a hardcore person who would actually pass up trying for promotion in favor of trying to be most useful. In some ways I do strive to be that hardcore. At the same time I know it’s all relative and my mind will try to turn every situation to my advantage.

So using this verse, I personally hope that it will open my mind to the ability and possibility of increasing my faith and belief. This is something I would like to increase.

Powerless (over people)

How much of my mental energy goes toward trying to manipulate other people?  Lots.  Sometimes it’s clearly for the good, if say I try to get my daughter to take vitamins.  More often it’s for my good, so that things will go easier for me.

I need to have a difficult conversation with a co worker.  I have to tell her that I can’t be part of a specific project because it involves dealing with an outside organization that discriminates against gay people.  Of course there is no question that I will work with this organization.  And to me, there is no question that I’m right not to.  In my perfect world, no one would work them, and they’d either stop discriminating against gay people or die.

Regardless, she probably doesn’t know they discriminate, and when she finds out, I’m assuming she won’t care and will be very displeased with my non cooperation.  Again, I’m right, she’s wrong (in my mind – this is part of my moral code).  Unless I’m wrong that she all of sudden won’t work with them either, which I seriously doubt.  Her religion discriminates against gay people, and I haven’t heard her object to that.

Anyway, I have run the conversation sixteen different ways, trying to figure out how to make her the least amount of angry towards me that I can.  Again, I’m not asking anyone else to withhold cooperation (though maybe I should, and that’s a different post), and I have no doubt that I’m doing the right thing for myself as well as for the greater good.  But this is someone I work closely with every day, someone I care about, and her unhappiness with me will effect me and I want to avoid it if I can.

So I spend time thinking about it.

Part of my work ( not having to do with the anti-gay thing) involves behaviorism on a very basic level.  At times we deal closely with the ABCs – antecedent, behavior, consequence.  The thought is that by understanding what comes first, and/or what comes after the behavior, we can change it and thus, in a way, have power over other people.  At work I hope and try to make sure the behavior should be changed, and we’re talking about things like aggression towards other people.  But it’s often a fine line.

I remember hearing a statistic that said a huge percent of what people talk about to each other has to do with other people.

I won’t even go there to consider how much I try to manipulate (control) Carole.  I will say that I think it takes a very high level of cooperation to exist happily in a couple, over time, and to each one’s benefit.

There are some times when I try to practice powerlessness.  To a degree, I do it with my adult children.  Lots of administrators but also actually people under me at work, too.  With my ex it saved my sanity to not try to control him.  People on the road, in the store, in the news.  I have no power over them, and I’m glad.

That’s a thought that has comforted me at times.  Really, if I could suddenly have power over people, who would I choose, and what would I have them do?  Really, what?  I’m sure I’d muck up the universe terribly, and it’s more than enough for me to try to have power over myself.

July 3, 2009 (this day)

A day off from work, and the weather is not the greatest.  The weather related thing I wanted to do was take the dog to the park.  The dog park is pretty much out, but maybe to walk the paved path of a park.  Carole has her out for a walk right now and we’ll see what happens with the weather later.

I also have my car in the shop for routine stuff.  I wanted to go to the Social Security office to change my name, but it’s a holiday for them, also.  My plan is now to leave work early Monday and go down, although next week will be just about my busiest week at work all year.

I’m very grateful for a job that gives me all this flexibility and that I often don’t mind being at when I’m supposed to be there.  The holiday I’m given today, also, is a wonderful thing and I’m thankful.

I made it to an “extra,” additional meeting Wednesday night so I’m glad of that.  I also really liked the church basement floor.  Carole and I are in the process of picking a new kitchen floor.  Copying an AA floor appeals to me muchly. Why shouldn’t I be extra happy in a church basement?

My home group meets tomorrow night, on the fourth of July, so that should be interesting.  It hasn’t fallen that way since we began the group.  I have no idea if anyone will come.  Carole and I will be there so the meeting will be there.  Of course if there’s lots of noise from illegal fire works I’ll worry about the dog.

Does so much of my life and thoughts revolve around the dog?

Today we will go shopping for a coin for a home group member who has 16 years sober today.  Next week we’ll celebrate his anniversary and say goodbye, since he’s moving far away.  Taking about a quarter of our active membership with him.  I hope our members are so few because it’s a Saturday night meeting, and not because of us.

We’re also going to the health food store.  I want to try a bar of shampoo, among other things, so as not to add plastic to the world in the form of shampoo bottles.  We’ll look for some healthy food also as we struggle to keep on track with our weight loss.

Yes, I am codependent.  All I can do is hope it’s for our mutual good right now. Our good, and the good of the dog.

Whenever We Fail Any of These People (Step Ten continued)

Whenever we fail any of these people, we can promptly admit it–to ourselves always, and to them also, when the admission would be helpful.  Courtesy, kindness, justice and love are the keynotes by which we may come into harmony with practically anybody.  When in doubt we can always pause, saying, “Not my will, but Thine, be done.”  And we can often ask ourselves, “Am I doing to others as I would have them do to me–today?”

Since I’ve added some very troubling people to my rotating prayer list, it’s interesting.  I don’t remember to think of them all day, every day, but I often remember.  My infantile thoughts, when I try to paint these people in a positive light for myself, usually go toward making excuses for their bad behavior.  Maybe they have a hard home life.  Maybe they have physical or mental illness.  Maybe they’ve had some big disappointments in life.  Maybe that’s why they are the way they are.

I also always do remember that I am not a good judge of people, and they may in fact be much better people than I am.

So I don’t know.  I’m trying to picture the most courteous, kind, just and loving people I can think of, and wonder if they have harmony with practically everyone.  I’ve long known that if I’m generally nice to people, they generally treat me better or give me what I want, but there’s no virtue in that.  Am I doing to others?

Not Everyone Can Love AA

I watch The Dog Whisperer and sometimes wonder how this show can possibly help someone like me.  The man is obviously gifted and special, whether I like his methods or not.

There are four people on my mind.

The first was a woman who went to meetings on and off around here.  I don’t know who she was, but I’m told that if I saw her, I would know.  Her father-in-law, who I also can’t place, is also in AA.  A week or two ago, she killed herself.  Her funeral was yesterday.  She was in her 50s.

I heard from someone I used to work with many years ago that someone we both worked with is homeless and sleeping (at least once) in a train station, calling herself a “dry addict.”  I worked with this person for years.

That brought to mind another woman I used to work with who was very successful in the agency, well respected and “high up.”  A few years ago, when I asked about this person, I was told she had left rather than be fired for being drunk.  I’m assuming this is after or instead of therapy, since I can’t imagine the agency wouldn’t offer treatment and a second chance.

The fourth person is just a dear friend who continues to struggle, year after year.

Last night, at my home group, we celebrated the 22nd anniversary of someone.  I was able to pass on my 22 year coin, which never happens.  Our celebrant said lots of important things, but what I’m remember today is that he said, “I love AA.”

I say that and I mean it, and I’m sure he does also.  I don’t know that you can achieve 22 years of sobriety in AA without loving AA.

I know it doesn’t work for everyone.  I know that not everyone can love it.  I know that the end for many alcoholics is not a testament to AA, but rather tragic and sad.  I don’t know what the difference is, and why I can get it and have it while others can’t.  Improving and getting better at AA is not necessarily something a person will have time to do.  Sometimes the consequences are tragic before someone gets it, before someone loves AA.  Before the miracle.  I’m glad I get to keep trying with the dog.

Powerless (Over the Laws of Nature)

To some extent, I can effect my health and well being, but only up to a point.

I part company with many of the people I hear in meetings regarding this.  Many people seem to believe that God intervenes on behalf of people at certain times, and some believe they can manipulate God or change his intervention with prayer, bargains, good deeds or other things.

I can’t buy into this because there is just too much suffering in the world for me to think I’ve been spared for some reason, or that things like prayer influence the master of the universe.  How unfair!

From time to time I hear someone say something like, “Thank goodness I never hurt anyone,” when they are speaking of their drinking.  For many years, I went to meetings with a young woman who had caused the death of her best friend by drinking and driving.  She’d comment, sometimes, not to the person who said it but at other times, that we who did not directly cause a catastrophe as far as we know are indeed very very lucky.  Luckier than her.  When a tornado devastates one family and not another, I sometimes hear the lucky ones say, “God was looking out for us.”  Well, bummer to those who God was not looking out for.  I just can’t understand if this is true.

It seems to me that so much human striving goes toward postponing and delaying and defying death, yet it comes for everyone, even Lazarus is dead.

I’m reading about Thomas Jefferson, and how, before his time, people did not understand what caused illness and weather.  So they ascribed it to God.  But in his time people began to understand germ theory, and to inoculate against small pox.  They could see that it wasn’t only or even at all God, but the physical nature of our being that decided who lived and who died, and that this could be changed by the actions of people.

I think we still are held hostage by lots of superstition.  What makes the most sense to me is that God set things in motion and does not intervene.  To God, if a person lives one hundred days or one hundred years it doesn’t matter, because there’s something infinite about our very beings.  That makes the most sense to me, but really I have no idea about the why of anything.

My thoughts aren’t all the comforting but I think they just are.  My ultimate powerlessness in the face of the universe is frightening when things go wrong.  I feel the child of my past hoping and begging that really, I do have some control.  Then I have to tell her to grow up.

Happiness and Serenity

I finally made it to an additional meeting this week, added to my “home” group.  I like to go to two meetings a week, but I don’t always make it.  I know that lots of people think two meetings a week is not enough (let alone one), but it works for me!

The second meeting was a discussion and two topics were brought up:  happiness and serenity.  The man who asked about happiness was, to my ear, asking about happiness in the face of adversity.  The way he phrased it was “What do you need to be happy?”

As people spoke about happiness and serenity they decided that of course they are interrelated.  Adversity got lost in the shuffle though.  Some of the things that were sort of said (my paraphrases):

God always gives me what I need.

I know that God will always give me what I need.

When I look at my children, when I hold them in my arms, how could I not be happy?

I’m judgemental and I have a problem with this.  Yes, of course, my happy healthy children make me happy.  Yes, of course, I have had all I need every day of my life so far.

But this says nothing about my “happiness” in adversity.

There are tragedies I don’t think I could recover from.  I hope I don’t find out, but some of what goes on in the world makes me catch my breath.  I don’t know how people live with some of the things they live with.  I’m spoiled, by birth and by circumstance, so far.

So far.  I have had everything I need and much, much more, but not everyone does.  And one day, I won’t have everything I need to stay alive.  I hope that happens from old age in my sleep, but still, it will happen.

Judging the people who spoke at that meeting (which is wrong for me to do, of course, since I speak wrongly at meetings all the time), I think they missed the point.  It would be a different kind of problem for people who have nice houses, nice jobs, healthy children, good sobriety, healthy bodies, etc, to not be “happy.”

I’ve had times when I’ve gone through rough patches, like when one of my kids was sick and the outcome was in serious question.  It is very difficult to be “happy” under such circumstances.  I remember moments of happiness, but for me, when my child was not doing well every happiness was tinged with sadness.  I have been lucky so far in that those times have passed, and today all looks well and promising for me and mine.  Though that can change in a second.

My bottom line is that my “happiness” is not the point.  I can’t help chasing it, but I recognize it is not a worthy goal.  Mother Teresa comes to mind as an extreme example.  I don’t think she spent much if any time trying to be “happy.”  She’s extraordinary and I’m not, but I can hold her example up to myself at times when my happiness is elusive, especially when I’m serving others.

I know that the AA literature holds up extreme life examples of conditions that we can make it through, sober and sometimes serene, if not “happy.”  The one that always comes to my mind is when someone loses a child in war.  I can’t imagine how awful that would be, especially because war is man made and there would be other mothers on the other side experiencing the same loss.

Surely we are meant to be “happy, joyous, and free.”  I have two shirts that say so!  For me it’s important to count my big and small happinesses every day, to learn from the experiences of others, to keep going when it’s difficult to do so and to look to helping others if I can, when I can.