Decision Making

The AA way is to pray about it, meditate on it, and discuss it with trusted advisors.  It hoped that we might get an intuitive thought about which way to go, what to do.  It is promised that even if we make the wrong decision, we will learn from it and grow.

What a healthy way to look at things!  One of the things I appreciate most about AA is that it gives me these clues and this plan.  In most of my regular life, I don’t like indecisiveness and will try to make a decision one way or another quickly, if possible.  When I think of difficult decisions I’ve made recently, deciding two years ago not to go to Alaska then deciding one year ago to do it comes to mind.  I didn’t really pray, meditate, or talk about it much, mostly because I knew the right thing to do and I knew what was standing in my way, namely me and my character defects.

And some decisions really are bad, and cause suffering.  Given that, I understand the sentiment to be that we need to go on and do better next time.

Also this brings up the questions for me:  what is prayer?  What is meditation?  To be continued…

Acceptance 6.12.12 (or lack thereof)

I heard it again at a meeting the other night.  “Our literature tells us that we are to accept everything.”  It does not!  That is in one of the stories, one person’s perspective and experience.  Our literature (which was never presented or meant as gospel anyway) tells us to use the Serenity Prayer.  I am to accept the things I cannot change.  There is a whole world full of things I can change, that are unacceptable.

Number one unacceptable, changeable thing that I am most likely to succeed in changing and I need to work on changing the most:  myself and my attitudes.  But still.

Think, Think, Think

This “slogan” has different meanings.  Think the drink through, to the end, to the jail/vomit/humiliation/danger/sickness/rehab/death.  “First thought – wrong” in which I needed to learn that my first reactions were almost always not appropriate or accurate or healthy.  AND I need to say that I don’t know why some people put the sign up side down, but I love it, and I do it, even when it’s not my meeting, if I can get away with it.

Today, I’m trying (still) to change some of my harmful thinking patterns.  As more is revealed to me, I see, for example, that I often ascribe to other people intentions that aren’t theirs.  So, for example, if someone asks me, “Why did you do that?”  I may hear a reproach when what was really there was a question, a request for information.

I often may think something is or should be obvious, so a question can rub me the wrong way, either sounding like a reproach to me or …… like someone hasn’t thought about it, is just talking to make noise.

I really can have those thoughts about people.

So, without incriminating details, I very recently had a period of a few hours when I was desperately, appropriately worried about a loved one.  I did not know if this person was all right, and had good reason to fear that she wasn’t.

I’d like to get better at adjusting my thought patterns during such an episode, and thankfully I don’t get many chances to practice.  When the chips are down and the anxiety is on, these are some of the things I think

• Wait to worry.  I know I may get bad news.  It isn’t here yet.  There will be plenty of time to mourn, be terrified, react and adjust to the bad news later, when it is actually here.
• I don’t trust God to make everything all right.  Everything is not always all right, and if there is a God, this is God’s will.  This is the only way it makes any sense at all to me.
• I don’t feel comfortable bargaining with God.  I feel there are millions of people in the world in worse shape than I am, in more need than I am.  I don’t feel, even when I’m very scared for a loved one, that I can ask God to make it come out the way I want it to be.
• Given that, when I do learn of the favorable outcome, for the moment, I thank God.  It makes no sense to me, and it is me doing it.

These truly terrifying times are few and far between in my life, and I’m very grateful for that.  They are so awful when they come that I do want to think about it, and get better at it, and think, think, think, in a better and healthier way.

My Prayer List

I have long tried to follow the advice of the program and pray for people who give me trouble.  I’m also inclined to pray in an emergency, for specific people or outcomes, “if it’s your will,” as I’ve been taught.

Now I don’t know if I’m praying to an external deity or not.  In my mind, it doesn’t matter.  I cannot picture a god who keeps score or changes outcomes based on the prayers of people.  It seems to be a very common or universal human trait to think we can influence the cosmos with the power of our mind, and so maybe we actually can.  But I don’t live like that is possible.  I have two big problems with thinking that can be so.  One, it is incredibly unfair if god changes outcomes by keeping score, when obviously pure and innocent people have no one praying for them, and so cannot benefit from the prayers of others when such prayers could ease their pain.  Second, if god does pay attention to human suffering and change it for the better based on a prayer, then there are always far far more deserving people than me and my piddly situations for god to change, yet god does not.

Where prayer works for me is in changing MY mind, not god’s mind or the progression of events.

So in praying for people who I care about and love, I would pray that they have all the need and most of what they want.  AA teaches me to ask the same for those who cause me trouble.  Yet, I don’t think this type of prayer does anything except maybe work toward convincing me that people I don’t like are the same as people I do like (in god’s eyes), and both groups should be treated equally by god.  It rains on the just and the unjust.  They also suffer droughts and floods.

Going with that, at times I have tried to ask god to give both groups lots of good stuff.  This rings kind of hollow for me though, maybe because of my basic disbelief that it changes anything except my mind.  And it is my mind that needs to be changed regarding the people I don’t like.

There came a time when I made an actual list and I still have an actual list of people to pray for.

The people I’m close to, who are in my family or immediate environment and who I care about and want good things for are on it.

The people who give me trouble and who are in my immediate environment are on it.

People who have died recently and their families are on it.

People who are in my meetings and who are struggling are on it.  After a while, if they don’t come around for some time, I’ll drop them off of the list and hope to add them back in when they hopefully return.  It’s just that after a time, I feel kind of blank just hoping this person I haven’t seen or heard about is doing well.  People who I’ve had a hard time with, but who don’t come up in life or in my mind very often, I usually also drop off.

It’s one of these who is coming back into my life, who I need to add back on to the list after not thinking about him much for years.

Adding this person back, it’s more obvious to me than before that it is my mind I am trying to change when I pray for and about anyone.  I have to consider, why did I have trouble with this person in the first place?  Was it him, or me, the circumstances, or what?

And I wish I could say that I’m feeling the ability to give it a fresh start, but honestly, I’m not.  At least I think I know the ideal version of what I’m shooting at, which is perfect love.  And I know that I need to ask god to change my mind, not to change the other person.  And I know that if god doesn’t directly act on my mind due to my requests, the act of my asking and envisioning the ideal works to do it, even better.

Perhaps One of the Greatest Rewards (Step Eleven continued)

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.  We no longer live in a completely hostile world.  We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless.  The moment we catch even a glimpse of God’s will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs.  We know that God lovingly watches over us.  We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

So ends the Eleventh Step, and once again I’m surprised I’ve come to the end.  Looking back, I began in October 2009.  That is quite a long time!  I did not mean to take this long with these steps.  I could have had a baby by now.  I know Step Twelve is the longest and I can’t imagine how long that will take.

As for the last paragraph, the one quoted, I don’t agree with most of it.  For me, AA is what made me feel I belonged.  That’s where I learned about real and eternal things, and the real goodness of people.  Certainly prayer was a part of that, but the fellowship and society was a bigger part, I think.

Also the bit about “here and hereafter” – to me, this is the hopeful promise that religions give, because no living person really knows, and fear of death is universal and eternal and the most frightening thing people live with.  This even maybe implies a threat.  ” . . . when we turn to Him . . . ” as if not turning to Him might mean things don’t turn out well.  And here, they often don’t.  Hereafter, no one knows.

But anyway!  Over the past nine months I’ve sort of internalized some new prayers.  I have turned to it more often in distress, I know.  I’ve done better with my thoughts first thing in the morning.  I usually remember now to try to figure out how I can be most useful in my day.  That is a hugely positive change for me.

During the nine months, last month, actually, I got to practice prayer and meditation and face a situation which has historically been very frightening for me.  I flew without drugs and mostly without paralyzing fear.  I flew.

So I don’t mean this post and my experience to be negative or down, even though I disagree with the last paragraph in important ways.  I’m sure it’s just that I haven’t evolved to the point where I can accept it totally.  More peace and serenity await me as I continue to practice the step and learn it better.  It is surely a discipline that I’ve dedicated my life to, for about 30 years now.  It’s been well worth it and I joyously look forward to continuing.

TO BEACHY, 1912

To Beachey, 1912 by Carl Sandburg

RIDING against the east,
A veering, steady shadow
Purrs the motor-call
Of the man-bird
Ready with the death-laughter
In his throat
And in his heart always
The love of the big blue beyond.

Only a man,
A far fleck of shadow on the east
Sitting at ease
With his hands on a wheel
And around him the large gray wings.
Hold him, great soft wings,
Keep and deal kindly, O wings,
With the cool, calm shadow at the wheel.

All This Should be Very Encouraging (Step Eleven continued)

All this should be very encouraging news for those who recoil from prayer because they don’t believe in it, or because they feel themselves cut off from God’s help and direction.  All of us, without exception, pass through times when we can pray only with the greatest exertion of will.  Occasionally we go even further than this.  We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won’t pray.  When these things happen we should not think too ill of ourselves.  We should simply resume prayer as soon as we can, doing what we know to be good for us.

Well I’m not brave enough to argue that something that happens to all of us, without exception, has never happened to me.  But I don’t remember being unable or unwilling, so on I go, through the step.

In AA We Have Found (Step Eleven continued)

In A.A. we have found that the actual good results of prayer are beyond question.  They are matters of knowledge and experience.  All those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own.  They have found wisdom beyond their usual capability.  And they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

This is what I’ve been trying to increase and cultivate in preparation for flying, and really for everything that causes me fear, anxiety and stress.  For some time now I’ve been praying the prayers, writing them, thinking them and studying them in an organized and formal fashion, much more mindfully than I’ve ever done before.

I’ve gained knowledge of the prayer, prayers, and some sources including poets, authors and the Bible.  I can’t really see how this increases my wisdom, but I hope it does.  It does increase my peace of mind.  I really hope it can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

I think that in the past, when I faced flight and fear, I was much more confident in the program and the words of the program, though I have less reason to doubt it now than in the past.  I think that might be part of getting older, with that increased sense of vulnerability, or it may be the fact that now I’ll be flying without children to care for.  Or both.  But that deserves its own post.

We Also Fall (Step Eleven continued)

We also fall into another similar temptation.  We form ideas as to what we think God’s will is for other people.  We say to ourselves, “This one ought to be cured of his fatal malady,” or “That one ought to be relieved of his emotional pain,” and we pray for these specific things.  Such prayers, of course, are fundamentally good acts, but often they are based upon a supposition that we know God’s will for the person for whom we pray.  This means that side by side with an earnest prayer there can be a certain amount of presumption and  conceit in us.  It is A.A.’s experience that particularly in these cases we ought to pray that God’s will, whatever it is, be done for others as well as for ourselves.

Again, why bad things happen to good people.  I don’t know and it often, often, seems very unfair.  The above concept explains to me that I’m not unique, and it tells me what to do.  I need to pray for God’s will, whatever it is.

I don’t know what it is.  I also add after that, if I’m actually praying this, “and the power to carry that out.”

I can see how a lifetime of asking for people to be cured of their fatal maladies could lead to big disillusionment and eventually turning away from a higher power and from prayer.  It’s a bit different to consider that it is presumption and conceit that would make me think this way.

Through the years I’ve had a few favorite clients (adults with multiple disabilities and mental retardation), and one of them is suffering right now.  To my eyes she has suffered her whole life, and now her life is in question as she struggles to get off of a ventilator.  Honestly this is one of the most difficult scenarios of my life, and it does get played out from time to time.    I just can’t fathom a “why” for these things.  There can’t be a reason that I can comprehend.  So yes, God’s will for Christy, that’s what is needed right now.  And the truth is, I may not really, truly want it.

Our Immediate Temptation (Step Eleven continued)

Our immediate temptation will be to ask for specific solutions to specific problems, and for the ability to help other people as we have already thought they should be helped.  In that case, we are asking God to to do it our way.  Therefore, we ought to consider each request carefully to see what its real merit it.  Even so, when making specific requests, it will be well to add to each one of them this qualification:  ” . . . if it be Thy will.”  We ask simply that throughout the day God place in us the best understanding of His will that we can have for that day, and that we be given the grace by which we may carry it out.

I feel that I’ve understood this for a long time.  I can’t personally make peace and sense with the way that bad things happen to good people in this world.  Thus I can’t ask God to end, for example, the suffering of some total innocent.  Surely the God of my understanding doesn’t will suffering onto innocent people, or animals.

But there it is.  There’s something crucial about the world and God that I don’t understand.  I’m as certain that I can be that I personally will not understand this in my lifetime.

There have been times I’ve been talking to someone in pain, someone who is losing a loved-one in what seems a bad manner:  too young, too slowly, too painfully.  At times like those I think that even if I could, or even if the person who is losing someone could, somehow, change this fate, I believe we would not to it.  We cannot know what would have happened to any one person or to the entire universe, should things be different.

Ultimately it’s frightening and I don’t spend too much time thinking about it.  Happily for me my days do not often include such situations, at least not close to home.  The people and events in my immediate vicinity are much more mundane.  The people and situations I need to pray about are not often life or death.

The person who is currently on my prayer list and so in my thoughts and prayers in that way is someone I have worked with for several years.  She has had more family problems involving illness, death, drugs and disability than any other three people I know combined.  I saw her experience the deaths of both of her parents in slow, suffering ways.  When her mother passed away, I asked if she had had a good life, and my coworker said, “No, not really.”  It’s true the lives of her parents had been hard and held lots of suffering.  There wasn’t even that to take comfort in.

Her siblings have likewise suffered illness and disability, and some early, lingering deaths.   Close relatives of hers have been born with severe disabilities.

My praying “for” her today, for me, consists mostly of thinking for a few minutes about these things, and about what a positive influence she consistently is in my day to day existence.  I’ll try to be a bit more thoughtful and extra nice to her tomorrow.  I don’t really like that about myself, that I have to be especially mindful of being especially nice, but I do.  I hope that it brings my general level of usual niceness up a notch to do so.  I don’t know.  Anyway, I’m still going with the rotating prayer list, and for now I still like it.