“Well,” says the newcomer . . . (Step Two continued)

“Well,” says the newcomer, “I know you’re telling me the
truth. It’s no doubt a fact that A.A. is full of people who
once believed as I do. But just how, in these circumstances,
does a fellow ‘take it easy’? That’s what I want to know.”
“That,” agrees the sponsor, “is a very good question in-
deed. I think I can tell you exactly how to relax. You won’t
have to work at it very hard, either. Listen, if you will, to
these three statements. First, Alcoholics Anonymous does
not demand that you believe anything. All of its Twelve
Steps are but suggestions.
Those are some of the most important words written in the AA literature about AA, I do believe.  Critics will say that individuals at meetings may disagree, and say that if you don’t believe as they do, you will drink, and die.  And a few individuals may say that, but this (to me) is the official AA line.
I hope newcomers or chronic relapsers (like I was) can take heart there, and continue on just that, if they need to.  I came to AA and I left AA (by drinking) and came back and repeated and repeated and repeated.  They did not demand I believe anything.
The group is surely a higher power.  Any group of people is a power greater than me, because I’m only one.  Any group of AA people was a power greater than me when they were able to stop drinking alcoholically and I was not able to.  People who try to skip parts of the program or skimp and parts will be warned, as they should.  I will warn them, if I can, because skipping and skimping meant I couldn’t achieve sobriety, and drinking meant I risked my life and the life of countless innocent others.
I hear that some people achieve sobriety with groups modeled after AA but minus the higher power concept.  That’s great.  I don’t know any of those people, but then I hang out in AA meetings, so I wouldn’t.  If those groups really are successful, they will flourish, and I’ll be glad.  So far they’re not catching on very well.  I also hear there are psychological therapies and medical interventions that succeed, and again, I’m glad.  Maybe the person next to me at work is the product of such a success, but I don’t think so.  Those things are expensive if nothing else, so not readily available.
AA does not demand you believe anything, or do anything, or say anything, or be anything.  AA’s will tell you what worked for them, and if you’re very fortunate, it will work for you as well.

It is a Tremendous Satisfaction to Record (Step One continued)

It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed.  Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism.  As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics.  They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through.  Since Step One requires an admission that our lives had become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?

 

For anyone who doesn’t follow my details, I was 16, almost 17, when I went to my first AA meeting.   I called AA on my own, because I knew I was in trouble.  I achieved lasting sobriety when I was 21, almost 22.  For years, I was almost always the youngest person in the room at meetings.  At times, it was hard to relate, for sure.  I hadn’t yet acquired a family, a car, or a job to lose.  But I was more than a potential alcoholic.  I was quickly, after I first started drinking, the real, full-blown thing.  That doesn’t happen to everyone.  It happens to hardly anyone.  But it happened to me, and I’m grateful.

 

Back then, I knew on some level that I was an alcoholic.  I had a very shallow understanding of alcoholism, but my father had died very young from it, so I knew there was that.  I knew that I quickly broke the rules I had set up to, for example, never drive drunk.  I didn’t know then that the very setting of rules proves the alcoholism.  Normal drinkers don’t do that.  And I wouldn’t have lasted another ten or fifteen years, not at the rate I was going.

 

That’s just my experience.  It doesn’t match the experience of most people in the rooms, but it does match some.  One of the wonderful things about AA.  My life became quickly unmanageable, and when I say I’m grateful, it’s because I’ve gotten to spend so very many years sober in AA.

No Other Kind of Bankruptcy (Step One continued)

No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one.  Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.  Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete. 
It came to my attention, when I was discussing this paragraph with a well-educated, very experienced AA oldtimer (Carole), that some people might not know what it means!  Maybe this is a place where the language of our books is too old to be comprehensible. 
I’m not an authority or expert, but I think I can explain this.  The paragraph that precedes this one says that we have been defeated by alcohol.  That is the essence of the first step.  This paragraph expands on that by using a business analogy.
First, it uses bankruptcy.  A business that is bankrupt cannot pay its bills.  There’s not enough money coming in compared to the money going out.  Debts are due, and there are not funds to pay them.  It can mean that all the assets of the business will be sold to pay all the debts possible.  Basically, there is nothing left, and people who are owed money may not get it.
But it says this alcoholic bankruptcy is not like others.  It says that alcohol has become a rapacious creditor.  “Rapacious” means that it is aggressive, ravenous, taking things by force.  So in the business metaphor, this creditor is not just taking us to court, this creditor is aggressively and forcefully taking all we have.
Alcohol bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.  So we become unable to help ourselves, and as alcohol takes more away, at some point we don’t even try to object or save ourselves. 
“Our bankruptcy as going human concerns” may be the hardest part of this to understand.  A “going concern” is a business that can sustain itself, that looks like it will be able to continue for some time into the future.  It’s making a profit or at least breaking even.  There are reasons to be optimistic and think that it will continue to do well or better for some time to come.  To call someone a “going human concern” would mean that this person is able to function in whatever way is expected or desired.  Not to split hairs, but some people are not completely independent, but they have the supports they need to continue on.   In that case it would look like this situation will continue, and a “going human concern” would be a person who is expected to continue to make it some time into the future.
And so we are powerless over alcohol.  Alcohol has taken things from us and continues to do so.  At some point we become disheartened and sick enough to not even try to protest or stop it.  At that point we do not have what we need to make it into the future at all without extensive support in the form of an institution like a hospital or detox or something else that prevents us from drinking, like jail.  We are alcoholic, and our prognosis is poor.  We need some kind of external control.  We need recovery.

–these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions . . . ” (Step Twelve continued)

–these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes.

And, for me–and, I kid you not–no amount of “slight buzz,” the type of which I chased relentlessly almost literally to the gates of hell and the jaws of the death.  The actual gate, and real jaws.

The exact satisfactions came earlier in this paragraph and the previous paragraph.  I’m no longer (not that “I” was ever doing these exact things, though surely I did my own version of all of them and still do to a lesser degree)

  • striving to dominate or rule
  • trying to gain self-importance
  • seeking fame, honor and praise

I am now

  • understanding that leadership depends on love, service, and able example
  • gladly rendering service
  • squarely meeting obligations

It continues on.

I’ve recently talked to two women, one who is new to the program and one who has struggled.  The new one is on work release from jail, because one of the few things she has left is her job.  The struggling one hasn’t yet lost her job.  The new one is about ten months sober.  The struggling one stops drinking for several weeks at a time, then drinks again.  Both are over 40.

I just leave these encounters with such a feeling of gratitude that I got so sick so quickly.  The work release one is optimistic.  She’s been forced into trying a life of sobriety and, as difficult as her situation is, I can whole-heartedly assure her that she is on the right path, that things were bound to get worse for her the way she was going, but that now, though it’s very difficult, things will get better.  I’m just about as sure that things will get worse for the struggling one.

The choice between a drunken-stuporous life and a spiritual existence seems so silly now.  Of course I would choose this path.  If only the other way lead to the drugged semi-consciousness I craved.  It didn’t.   It’s not like I even ever had an actual choice.

Obligations Squarely Met (Step Twelve continued)

. . . obligations squarely met . . .

A list of my obligations, off the top of my head:

  • the care and feeding of one dog and three cats including food, shelter, vet visits, discipline, exercise, affection, stimulation, and cleaning up after, whether I’m the one doing it, or I’ve engaged someone else to
  • paying all the bills of living in suburban USA
  • working at the job I’ve agreed to do – what that entails could fills book
  • being a good neighbor
  • being a good sponsor
  • being a good mother
  • being a good daughter
  • being a good wife
  • being a good employee
  • being a good supervisor
  • being good to all of my clients
  • being a good co-worker
  • sharing the upkeep of the house
  • taking care of myself
  • taking care of the environment
  • being a good AA group member and treasurer
  • being a good home-owner
  • being a good example of some of the groups I can represent – gay person, woman, alcoholic, AA member, Democrat, developmental disability professional
  • taking the field of developmental disabilities forward, or at least not taking it back
  • being a good driver and commuter
  • being a good friend

I meet some of these obligations more squarely than others.  I will have to give this list some thought.

But Today, in Well-Matured A.A.’s (Step Twelve continued)

But today, in well-matured A.A.’s, these distorted drives have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction.  We no longer strive to dominate or rule those about us in order to gain self-importance.  We no longer seek fame and honor in order to be praised.

It humbles me, first of all, to consider myself a well-matured AA whose distorted drives may have – should have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction.  I know that time is only a number, that if I don’t drink today I’ve won, that everyone has their own time and pace and etc but really.  If, after 28 years of sobriety in the program, I’m not a well-matured AA, I should consider giving it up.

I never tried to dominate or rule in order to gain self-importance.  I don’t like being in charge, and I’d much rather follow orders and have it be your fault when it goes wrong.  There are a few things, however, about which I am very certain that I’m right, and it should be done my way.

I have some opinions at work, and mostly my problem there is that I am right, and I’m called to judge, assess, and lead others in the right direction.  It’s a responsibility I need to constantly take more seriously.  I need to do it more, and better, and not consider my own dislike of conflict so much when I direct others.  Oy.

At home, it’s more complicated.  There are a few things I feel right about and really can’t change my opinion, even if I don’t get my way.

But I think those things are few.  Seeking fame and honor – that has never been me.  I don’t like praise, it brings attention to me, and I don’t like attention.  My dislike of attention is more than it should be.  Thanks to AA, I know it is a kind of twisted “pride in reverse.”

Boy, “a well-matured AA” is quite a thing to think about.  Honestly, I don’t like the ‘progress not perfection” kind of cop-out I so often hear.  For me, personally, it is just as true that I can always, always, step it up a bit.

 

Pride and Self-Consciousness (as a character defect)

This came crashing home for me as I prepared myself to go to my co-worker’s visitation.  She had died, and was cremated, and there was a two-hour time when people were invited to the funeral home.  I would usually refer to this as a “viewing,” but there was no body to view.  All of sudden that’s become much more common where I live – a cremation and a service.  I think the last three I went to had no body, just an urn.

It was Saturday afternoon and Carole was away.  Usually, if my work partner isn’t going with me to these things, Carole will go with me.  Not usually, always.  I really hate going no matter who has died.  A few years ago, my work partner and I went to the viewing of the body of the husband of one of our co-workers.  It felt really wrong to me, somehow intimate and like I was intruding.

But in this case, on Saturday, I did know the deceased and I did want to show up at least to add to the number of people who cared enough to show up.  But getting ready, going alone, I was very very anxious.  There were other reasons for me to be anxious (Carole gone, the heat, having to leave the dog) but I was very anxious about going, being there alone, what to wear . . . What to wear!  Who cares!

I didn’t know Gina’s (let’s call her Gina) family, and my co-workers and I had been mourning and grieving at work and we will continue to.  As a manager of sorts, I wanted the people I work with, who mostly work under me, to know that I cared enough to attend.  I did care enough to attend.  But I didn’t want to actually be there.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I didn’t want to be there stupidly not talking to anyone.  Arg.

What I ended up doing was going in, signing the book so that others would see I had been there, and leaving.  Just writing about it now, I can feel how self-conscious I felt and I can cringe again.  And that’s just one recent example, and an upsetting one at that.

I have a dress that I want to wear to work tomorrow.  But I’m not going to, because I hate it when people comment on how I look, and wearing a dress will make at least one person say I look nice (even if I know that I don’t, I just look different, but some people perceive dress=nice).  I hate to get my hair cut because people will comment.  I’ve been at the same work place for 14 years, and I know who will comment or ask if my shoes are new.

Seriously.  I cannot identify in the least with the people who make these nice comments.  I just wouldn’t ask someone about her shoes unless they were ruby slippers or something.

I hate to have that attention drawn to me.

It was so uncomfortable Saturday and I began to mentally search for a way out.  An excess of negative emotion makes me eventually, hopefully, turn to the tenth step, and try to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

This self-consciousness is all about me.  Worse, it’s all about what other people are thinking of or about me.  Which I will never, ever, actually know.  And to add craziness to my craziness, I dislike it just as much when I think that people are thinking good things about me.  Please don’t like my shoes!

So, pride, and the AA concept of pride in reverse.  I won’t be moving on from this one for a while.