October 30, 2017 (this day)

IMG_0788I don’t like to think about one year ago.  This image of a woman, standing with these men, was too much to ask for.  We were cheated out of it.  There’s a little girl inside of me that can’t bear the unfairness and the fear of what will happen now.  Meanwhile, I realize, the image of that woman stays ideal.  Barbra Streisand (who I love ) wrote about us yearning for what should have been.  Yearning is a good word for this occasion.  It all still hurts so much.

But I, the sober alcoholic, have not drank over it.  Thirty three years into sobriety I have a mighty tool chest, and I use it liberally because, well, I don’t like to suffer.  I try to avoid it.  Living well is the best revenge.  Plus I still, almost one year after that terrible election day, spend some time each day fighting the machine.  I’m volunteering for a man who is running against my awful trump puppet congressman, and I’m still letting my elected officials know what I think about what they are doing or failing to do.

The rest of life is good right now.  My dog and my work partner are both still with me, today.  My work is hard, mostly because we pay people $10 and hour to take care of other people, and it’s just not enough.  We can’t find people to hire, even people who wouldn’t be good for the job.  I’m not sure what will happen with that.  I’ve been extremely blessed to never, besides a short period of time, have to support myself or my kids.  So I can stay with the low pay but most people cannot.

I’ve started reading a short fourth step guide with Carole in the mornings and it asks a ton of questions about childhood.  I don’t think that’s necessarily a good way to go about doing a fourth step, but it did uncover, for me, the glaring defect of self pity.  While I know with all my heart and soul and intelligence that I have been extremely fortunate in having everything I need every day of my life, I did feel there were things I was lacking when I was a child.  I’m lacking them now as well.  And I feel that I’m not as fortunate as people who have these things.  I know that I’m not.

But more about that when I get to doing the actual step.  Soon.

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