October 2, 2017 (this day)

IMG_0716Or else!

There’s a lot going through my head.  I’m just back from a weekend trip to buy my daughter’s wedding dress.  We’ll call it a dress.  It is not a traditional wedding gown, but very lovely and rather expensive.  There was a time when the main thrust of my being was to ensure, to the best of my ability, my daughter’s health and safety.  There was a time when her true and actual situation of today would have seemed like an impossible dream.

The weekend was 98% good.  The bad parts had to do with my character defects, chief among them my fear of flying.  I flew there and back.  It was a short flight, what would have been a long drive, but I was certain I was going to die.  That put a damper on things for me and those around me.  I also indulge in the thoughts of “unfair!”  Most people, I reckon, with this degree of fear do not fly, and are not facing this.  The rest take drugs to cope, and are not facing this.  In the airport, on the way out, I looked at every drinker around me (and there were many, and I wasn’t in a bar) and commented to  Carole that I could drink to cope with this.  But then I’d be disinvited from the occasion.  More than that, at this point in time I would surely ruin the occasion.  My alcoholism has not yet done that to my children or my wife.  I’m sure it’s ruined things in the distant past for my mother.  But here I go, and I’m dwelling, and it’s all linked in my psyche.

The gratitude list around this situation would fill many books.  I’m profoundly aware of all I’ve received and all I have not earned and all I don’t deserve.  Planes have not been dangerous to me or to my loved ones, not now and not in the past.  Alcohol is dangerous, and alcohol has killed my ancestors early and in ugly ugly ways.  And ruined much of what came before their deaths.  My father could be something like 81 years old now.  He never knew my daughter, and he didn’t know me after the age of 6.

The program is always relevant, and the part I need to think about next is Step 4.  Inventory.  I need one.  I’m grateful that the program that saved my life demands one.

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