Emotional Balance (from Step 10)

Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions?

To this I have to say no, I cannot.  Not immediately anyway.

I can stay sober, yes, so far.  I’ve been through quite a few things in 32 years, both good and bad, and I haven’t had any alcohol.

A lot of that time I’ve been in emotional balance and lived to good purpose.  I have to say that if I spend any prolonged time out of balance and life of good purpose, I think I would drink.  In past times of difficulty I have looked to the steps, and I’m grateful.

Now.  This is really quite a different test of my emotional balance than I’ve experienced so far.  Daily, things in politics disturb me greatly.  I believe it is right to be disturbed.  Can I be disturbed and still be in emotional balance?  Can my life’s good purpose expand to include my tiny, tiny role in shaping the politics of this, my country?

It’s been four months since that terrible election.  I spend part of each day reading the news and contacting my legislators.  It’s my blessing and my trial to have both Republicans and Democrats representing me in state and federal government.  I’ve made a donation each month to a different cause that I find worthy.  It’s a struggle to limit that and my list grows often.  My biggest glimpse of personal peace comes when I see this as the way I’ve become, the new me who will continue to do these things as long as I am able, regardless of politics and politicians.

I still have a giant hurt spot where I keep what I feel I’ve lost.  I understand that because the first woman president didn’t happen, it remains ideal.  The reality of what might have happened won’t come into being.  It might have been awful and terrible in ways I couldn’t imagine.

Good may come from the present situation.  In ways I can’t imagine, but also in ways I can.  Maybe this extreme situation will change some hearts and minds to be kinder in the ways I think kindness should be expressed.  Maybe.

How can I sit here with over three decades of sobriety and fail the acid test?  It’s an ideal, I understand, and I am far from ideal.  I’ll keep my faith in the program and believe that one day I will see my emotional balance restored and my good purpose enlarged.

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