December 28, 2016 (this day)

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My co worker’s mother died the other day, a few days before Christmas.  She was seven years older than me, in her early 60s.  She was an addict.  About a week before she died, she overdosed, and she told the people at the hospital, “Can’t you see I just want to die?”  So then she did, and this time no one found her in time to stop her.

I went to the funeral parlor and there I saw that the dead woman had many of the things I want, that I think would make me happy(er).  She was there (dead) in a family funeral parlor.  She had a local, large, extended family.  She had, I think, five children, and many grandchildren.  Two of them were little girls that looked a lot like her.  There they were, just after Christmas, at their family funeral parlor at the viewing of their grandmother who killed herself at sixty one.

I understand that I really know nothing of her experience.  She had a rougher, less privileged upbringing than I did, I know that for sure.  The reason it struck me so and the reason I’m writing about it today is because I so often covet.  Maybe because of my age?  No, because my adult children say they don’t want children.  They are still young enough that they could change their minds but I have to accept that they may not.  I have to “count my blessings” and memorize my gratitude list.  I am so fortunate and so grateful.  And the number one thing has to be gratitude for my sobriety.

I went to a meeting where they read part of the 12 and 12 that asked, “can we accept failure or success without despair or pride?”  Lately, for me, well, no, I can’t.  I’m still full of despair and fear and all kinds of every other ugly thing because of the election.  I’m not giving up and I’m not dropping out but I am just so frequently so sad.  How much is normal?  Natural?  Therapeutic?  Acceptable?  Not dangerous?  None, I think.  None.

I see the ideal and I accept the plan.  Accept defeat without despair.  Any minute now….

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3 thoughts on “December 28, 2016 (this day)

  1. “I so often covet.”

    Until I read your current post, I never realized this feeling exists within me, never paid any attention to this part of the addict’s covetousness within me. I think it’s an important part to acknowledge. A bit shocking at first realization, but now that I am reading your post for a second time, in a more calm frame of mind, it is easier to accept. Thank you.

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