December 4, 2016 (this day)

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My cousin got married and I got to travel “home” for the wedding.  He married a man.  I cannot ever stop being grateful for sentences like that no matter what else happens.  My mother got sloppy drunk at the wedding.  She really ruined it for me with her drinking.  She’s old, and her eyesight is terrible, so dealing with her unsteady as well was a nightmare.  She passed out with icing on her face.  She fought me about using a wheelchair.  I threatened to leave her there if we had to call an ambulance, and I pushed her down into the wheelchair to get her back into the hotel.

I’m angry, for sure, and I’m grateful that my children have not experienced this with me.  My cousin was gracious and mentioned the many other times my mother got comically drunk at family functions.  I wonder if she remembers it.

The despair of the election is still all too real.  I talked to my daughter today and she said she’s kind of waiting for something terrible to happen to re-embrace the despair.  I’ll try to do that also, knowing I’ll often fail.  Last night after our meeting we went out with friends and all of our talk was about how terrible this is.  At the meeting, Carole brought up the topic of staying in the moment.  I know my moments have been mostly wonderful and at every moment, I’ve had everything I need and much, much more.  Right now I am warm and safe and have clean water.  If I have an emergency skilled people will respond quickly and try to set things right.  I have the awareness that I don’t want to give any more of my life over to despair because of this, and I have the tools to fight despair and I have lots of practice using them.  And I probably also have people in my life who can benefit by my example of doing it and doing it well.

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3 thoughts on “December 4, 2016 (this day)

  1. About a week ago, I too came to the conclusion that it was time to stop over sleeping and over eating as a response to despair, that it was time to go abstinent on despair, to stop giving my life over to it. That took some adjusted thinking, to be sure, for was I not then embracing love and joy, and how could that be given the political situation? But, through beginning again to have a VOICE through my art work, I’ve been able to shake the cloak of despair enough to begin living my life again. Whew. Still hits me sometimes, but generally I am better now. A friend sent me an art postcard with her art and this quote by John Tarrant: “The things you are worrying about are not what is happening now.” It’s difficult for me to believe it, but I am trying. Let us join in treasuring the now, and being useful where and when we can. Speaking of which, you certainly were useful taking care of your difficult mother at the wedding. Congratulations on making and surviving the trip. Bless you for all your words.

    • Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! I work with people who have disabilities, so I have many chances to be useful every day. I also believe that showing up at a meeting is useful, so lots of chances there as well. One cool result of this crisis has been the way we’ve been banding together and checking on each other. Stronger together.

  2. But why, why, why, doesn’t everyone love me Lydia? Oh yeah, ’cause they don’t know me! 😉Thanks for helping me to live in the moment the other night. I needed it. Despair can lead this alcoholic to a drink. Positive action, conversation and going towards the light leads me to sobriety and God. Thanks oh wise one. Love ya

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