January 24, 2016 (this day)

IMG_0291It’s very very very very cold outside, and this kitty has made herself a place where the sun comes in the window, the radiator sends up heat, and the curtain cushions her tush and creates a little heat pocket capturing both the sun and the radiator heat.  I should add that this is an inside kitty.  She has never been colder than probably 50 degrees, at the coldest.

Our weather has been cold for a long time.  Below freezing for days and days, and the walls radiate coldness no matter how high the heat is inside.  I used a heating pad to warm my feet at the work the other day.  Still, I far prefer this to heat.  I don’t like driving in the snow though I’ve done it since I could drive, and I haven’t had to yet this year.  It’s a persistent fear and worry that hasn’t left me.  I think that it may have gotten worse since I’ve gotten older, though I *try* to lessen it, seeing the fear and worry as a character defect I would like to allow God to remove.  I don’t allow it.  I hang on.

Along these lines, my daughter has settled for the time being about 360 miles away from me, as opposed to the 540 miles she used to be.  The ride is much nicer now, much more doable, but still I feel an ache about it even as I know it is well within the realm of possibility that she will one day move much farther away.  She lives near her boyfriend’s family, and even as I’m glad she has them there, I am jealous of them and their proximity.  It’s at the top of my mind because my usual defaults for letting go of feelings like jealousy and longing are not working very well on this one.  My daughter occupies a special place in my psyche that I can sense I don’t understand very well myself.

Carole and I are reading some of the materials early AAs used and we are making our way through The Runner’s Bible.

Self-pity must be strangled the moment it is recognized. It is the worm that dieth not. To indulge in self-pity is to tear down your own strongholds. If you have spiritual understanding even in a small degree, you will know that continued misfortune indicates that something is clouding your consciousness of Ever- Present Help, you are engaged in wrong doing, are holding to the belief that some act of the past has power to harm you, are indulging in some form of hate, or you are not protecting yourself as you should “from the fiery darts of evil.” Self-pity has no place in the divine economy, and should be reckoned with worry and regret as agents of death. No cure can come, nor inharmony be banished while any one of these three has control of the thoughts.

This passage has helped me a lot.  I’ve thought of it (when I successfully can) when the thoughts of longing and jealousy have come, and I truly feel these feelings have lessened in me over the week or so that I’ve applied this.  Self-pity, worry and regret as agents of death may sound at first like melodrama.  But it was this point of view that helped me recover from alcoholism.  As an alcoholic I cannot indulge myself in those emotions.  If I do, I put myself in danger of drinking and yes, if I’m lucky, death.   I say “if I’m lucky” because for me drinking caused a lot more damage than death.  Death will come, but all the alcohol-induced damage doesn’t need to come first.

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One thought on “January 24, 2016 (this day)

  1. I totally agree, self pity, worry and regret are agents of death to be avoided at all costs. Sadly after a lifetime of living with them I still don’t know how to avoid them sometimes! Hopefully one day I’ll get good at using the AA tools and it won’t be so much of an issue any more.

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