… the fallacy of our defiance was revealed (step two continued)

“When we encountered A.A., the fallacy of our defiance was revealed. At no time had we asked what God’s will was for us; instead we had been telling Him what it ought to be. No man, we saw, could believe in God and defy Him, too. Belief meant reliance, not defiance. In A.A. we saw the fruits of this belief: men and women spared from alcohol’s final catastrophe. We saw them meet and transcend their other pains and trials. We saw them calmly accept impossible situations, seeking neither to run nor to recriminate. This was not only faith; it was faith that worked under all conditions. We soon concluded that whatever price in humility we must pay, we would pay.”

Because, I remember, the alternative is ‘alcohol’s final catastrophe.’

I have often thought and sometimes written that ultimately I do what I do because I like to do it, because it makes me happy.  The people I help and take care of are fortunate that I like to help and take care of people.  The above paragraph has a lot of truth in it, for me.  I do see people in AA deal with things I fear I might not be able to deal with.  Of course, seeing them, I have a much better chance of succeeding when my time comes.  So if I decide I will pay whatever price in humility I must pay, isn’t it because I want to be happy?

Also, the cynic in me sees people crushed by impossible situations.  For every one person who sits triumphant for this day at a meeting, there are countless others who couldn’t bear up and who are suffering tremendously, or have lost the battle.  And I guess that’s there for me.  Nothing says it’s not.  It is alcohol’s final catastrophe I can escape.

I learned early on to ask for knowledge of God’s will.  I don’t actually like to be in charge, and I rarely know what’s best for me or for anyone else.  And I’m stuck and stymied by the whole “bad things happen to good people” thing, especially when I think if the poorest people of the world and the problems they face.  God’s will, or chance, I don’t know.  I do know that today I’m among the lottery winners of the alcoholic sweepstakes.


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