Denial – an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc, is false.  Disbelief in    the existence or reality of a thing.

Alcoholics go to their deaths saying they do not have a drinking problem.  Or, admitting they do have a problem, they die trying to prove abstinence is not the only answer, that they don’t need AA or other help to arrest their alcoholism.

My own history is slightly different.  I knew immediately that I was an alcoholic and for that I’m grateful.  I did however deny that I had to abstain.  I really wanted to be a functioning alcoholic and I did nearly kill myself trying to function under the influence.

Traditionally in AA we don’t call anyone alcoholic who doesn’t take the label on him or herself.  But we know one when we see one.  One of my favorite moments in this was when a friend was telling me about the problems she was having with her partner.  The partner passed out, fell over, threw up, blacked out.  I asked, “Do you think alcohol can be a problem?”  She said, “Well, two psychologist and three doctors and a social worker say no.”  This response told me that alcohol was a problem.  All these professionals don’t comment on something that doesn’t exist.

They told me when I first went to meetings that “no one gets here by mistake.”  Cynical, I thought, “No one?  Not ever?”  But now I understand.  All the misery and tragedy and awfulness that propel a person through the doors of an AA meeting do indeed mean that the person is an alcoholic.  Saying “no” doesn’t change that, it just postpones recovery, sometimes forever.

“The disease that tells you you don’t have a disease.”  I believe it is the alcoholic mind that tries desperately to live and survive and drink again that fights against acceptance and recovery.  I can still, at times, gets slightly frightened by the thought that I may never drink again.  But since lots of sanity has returned to me, I quickly realize the much more frightening thought is that I someday might drink again.  I believe in the reality of this thing.

6 thoughts on “Denial

  1. Thank you. And funny that I notice that I keep on doing a (well many) version of denial. Mine is: ‘The not drinking is not the issue, the getting my life back in order while not drinking is.’ Both of which are true, however, if I were to get my life back in order I assume I would be drinking. Like I need a certain amount of missery. 😦
    Thanks for your post, it helped me realise this.
    xx, Feeling

      • Hi Lydia,
        🙂 I am happy for you. I somehow have not even come to dreaming. Life energy is down. Currently working with an Ayurvedic doctor to get it back. I think it is working :-). And I really need to start to structure my development, possibly through AA. No promisses. Not sure yet. Bit scared of whom I might meet. Not sure if I can deal with the ‘incrowd’ aspect of AA. That would fall under making up reasons not to go. This is my most persistant one. I tend to meet older man who DIRECTLY need to tell me what to, mostly by insulting my abilities first. That has been a pattern all my life and it became one online here too. The only 2 derisive comments I have had here were from older man, insulting my abilities and telling me what to do next. 😦
        Would you know how to deal with that, if. Or is it a ‘cross that bridge when you get to it’? It just scares me. Needing to open up and then being sabled down by older men. (is that English?) It is the story of my life. Using the words because of the many meanings to the word. :-/
        xx, Feeling

  2. Lydia ,

    I’ve been getting your posts for a while now … a couple years …. but more and more these days , they really ring true and speak more clearly to my mind … and in my heart ..

    Thank you for this service , thank you for your time , and thank you for the opportunity to share this journey with you ..




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