July 8, 2015 (this day)

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I would like to say that I learned a lot about fear, but it would be more accurate and more honest to say that I hope I have learned a lot about fear.

I went to Alaska.  I came home again.  I am afraid to fly, afraid to leave my pets, and I don’t like to travel.  I don’t like to shop, and I don’t like to spend money, two of the primary activities on a vacation like this.  I don’t like to leave my work for that long.  I don’t like to be out of touch, and in Alaska, on the water, there is no internet and frequently no phone.   This was a long distance, and a long time.  Seven members of my family went also, including four members of the oldest generation now, and it was hard to say goodbye to them at the end.  One member of my family got into big, serious trouble with alcohol.  I could make a joke, and point out that it happens often, but the fact is that many of my family members died young, alcoholic deaths.  So that was worrying.  When that wasn’t worrying, there was alcohol at every dinner, and sometimes at other times, and thankfully in my normal life I do not get that close to it every day.  There were no “real” meetings (more about that later, maybe), sparse program reading and not much program contact.

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There were some of the most incredible sights I will ever see, sights that most people in the world never get to see.

I feel a huge sense of guilt listing all the ways this trip was difficult for me.  I didn’t hold my family back, and I hope I was mostly pleasant and someone they were glad to have along.  I am happy with myself that I went and I made it, and unhappy with myself because of the degree of distress I let it cause me.

I was at a meeting two nights ago where they read from the Daily Reflections book and it said something about not being willing to suffer from the effects of my character defects anymore.  I’m not willing to.

Right now, today, I don’t know what to do about that.

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