April 15, 2015 (this day)

I’m having a tough time (as I’ve written and written and written and written).  I’m terrified that something awful will happen to my daughter on her week in Greece, and right now I can’t imagine coping while she’s gone.  She lives, I have to point out, more than five hundred miles away from me here in the US so I can’t exactly respond to an emergency when she’s “home.”  She is, I will also add, 29 years old, and so far a much better put together human being than I ever was.  She is (a daughter is) what at one time I wanted more out of life than anything else.  She is more amazing and remarkable than any daughter I could have dreamed up, if I could have described my ideal.

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And so.  I’ve planned activities for myself after work when she’s gone.  I’ve planned to buy a new computer then (and new Sims!!!) a new toy to distract me.  I plan to make lots of meetings.  I’m kind of intrigued by the idea of trying to go to all of the meetings in my area’s meeting list, which won’t ever happen because it covers a very wide geographical distance but I think it will be interesting to try.  Well, there’s the distance and the fact of that pesky day job.

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I love my job and I am aware that it is an incredible blessing to love your job, a blessing which most people probably never experience.  I need to rededicate myself to it because these should be some of my prime working years, and because my work partner will retire probably ten years before I do.  I’m also incredibly blessed by being able to work in social services and have a wonderful life because I don’t have to support myself.

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I’m nearing (God willing-Carole hates that, of course God wills it!) thirty-one years sober on May 1st.  Should I present at meetings as the basket case I currently am, or is that a bad reflection of long-term sobriety?  I don’t know, but I think I should present that way.  My problems are luxury problems for sure, luxuries made possible by AA because I was dying without it and certainly could not have brought forth and nurtured new life to the point where it could take itself to Greece unaccompanied …  I am a mess, but I’m not self-destructing and actually I am looking for ways, in the midst of this, to CONstruct a better and less anxious me.  From someone who was killing myself with alcohol I have evolved into someone who knows with restored sanity that drinking would bring tragedy on all my situations.

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This is what (almost) 31 looks like and I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

3 thoughts on “April 15, 2015 (this day)

  1. Hi Don’t Drink, don’t die,

    Not sure where to start but I guess a congrats on 31 years is in place! Wow! I am happy for you. 🙂

    Concerning Greece, actually I’ve been on this page on and off and I have actually written several replies on the Greece issue and then deleted them again. And I’m just going to say it now because I hope it might help ease a little of your anxiety: every person I know has been to Greece at least once in their lives and they have loved it (and come back in one piece 😉 ). I actually drove there myself a few years ago, we got a cruise from Italy to Greece and then onwards with our van. It was marvelous, so, so beautiful. 🙂

    Greece is a beautiful country. Imagine that democracy and the Olympics were brought to us by the Greek. Greece has beautiful archeological sites and wonderful country side, beautiful beaches and lovely healthy food. At least 80% of the younger people speak enough English to for anyone to get by. Currently it is a nice time to travel too because it will not be too hot. 🙂 And yes, it’s eating up all the European funding – that too. 😦

    I googled and here are several sites of Americans living in Greece, like http://livingingreece.gr/

    I guess I have deleted my earlier comments because this reply of mine only adresses the ‘logical’ side to fear. There is more to it of course. I know that. But I do not know how to help you with this apart from saying that I. when I am drowning remind myself that fear is like a projection. There might be a threat – but that does not mean that fear I have about it is useful, that it is the only response or the response that will help me deal. Having said that…. it is so hard. :-/ And I hear you in that.

    Secondly: if I was in your position (which I’m not so I can’t really, really say something, but still..) I would try Bach-remedies, these are a sort of homeopathic droplets which deal with states of mind/feelings. There are a few in there who address anxiety and fear. But, having said that: they are cured in alcohol. I use them and do not get in trouble with it because to me they are in the medicine mind box, not in the drinking mind box. I take like 3 to 10 drops in a liter water. It actually does smell like alcohol depending on how long you let it breathe. But if you want to or want to risk dealing with that I guess is different for everybody and might even differ per situation. I got to know them as medicine, so they are in that mind box. I would not know how I would look upon them if I were introduced to them now.

    And finally there might be an entry in working on trying to control what is happening but I guess your groups know more about that than I. (not good at it. 😦 ) And I don’t have children so, there is a world of difference there. :-/

    Long story. Hope it helps you somewhere with your troubles. I’m thinking it is great how you set yourself a plan for dealing when she is away. 🙂 Thank you for that. It reminds me that real life action in the here and now is good. 🙂

    Hope it helps you,
    xx, Feeling

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