April 2, 2015 (this day)

IMG_0354A year ago a big leak lead to a partially redone kitchen.  There were frightening moments, and honestly what I was frightened about was money.  How much it would cost.  This year there is a falling ceiling in the basement.  But, we wanted an old house!  We do love the old house.  I love to imagine who sat in this room before me, who looked out this window, what she saw, what she thought.  And we’re privileged and blessed with the resources to keep the house up.  And we even have a legally gay marriage.  The man we bought the house from had bought it from “a spinster and her mother.”  If the “spinster” was gay (which, weren’t they all?) I’m sure she couldn’t have imagined us here in her house, legal and all.

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I’m worried.  My daughter is going to Greece this month, and everyone and her uncle agrees this is a frightening thing.  I’m going to Alaska after that and most normal people wouldn’t be frightened of that, but I am.  I could easily spend all this time wrapped up in fear and I don’t want to do that.  Easter is coming, and I’m not going to see my daughter, she lives so far away and is getting ready for her big trip.  I’m not going to see my extended family because I moved away from them a long time ago.  I would love to experience the babies my younger cousins are having but I’m not going to.

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So, the lessening of fear and the cultivation of gratitude.  These are my projects for this month and next.  In one month I will have 31 years of sobriety, and I didn’t do all that to suffer like this.  So easy to be so hard on ourselves.  I should be better by now.  Hell, I should have been better a long time ago.  Of course we don’t get to know what I would have been like without the program, assuming I lived, which I would not have.  Come to think of it, I’m actually being afraid of some of the rewards of sobriety.  I’m determined to surrender that, and to stop it.

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And, like I said to Carole, whatever happens after this, for the rest of my life I can say, “At least she’s not in Greece!”

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