February 14, 2015 (this day)

IMG_0303A house in my daughter’s present neighborhood.

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I’m chairing my meeting tonight, which means, among other things, that I arrange a speaker.  My speaker got sick and can’t make it, and in asking substitutes I am running up against some of the local AA “rules.”  The “rule” I would like to see enforced is “don’t say no.”  Of course there are no rules, just suggestions.

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My theme for the next few months will be “worry.”  There is my daughter and her upcoming trip, and me and my upcoming trip.  I worry about death and destruction for all of us, and I worry about the things I leave behind, like my pets, job, and house.

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Feeling like not a great example of longtime sobriety but really, without sobriety and AA none of this would have been possible.  My daughter would be in terrible shape if she lived through my drinking at all.  I wouldn’t have the money, time, or companionship to travel, and I certainly wouldn’t have the guts.  My alternate existence, if I had survived and not been institutionalized, would have been hunkered down, probably in my mother’s house, afraid of the world and not engaging it.

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Today I have hope backed by experience that I have an excellent chance of minimizing my fears and living better tomorrow than I am today, which is pretty darn good.

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