September 8, 2014 (this day)

IMG_0558I just got home from a meeting where the topic was today’s Daily Reflection.  I don’t like that book.  I also really wonder about blogs that repost today’s gift from Hazelden.  If I wanted to read today’s gift from Hazelden, I would.  Those blogs clog up the ‘alcoholics anonymous’ feed.

 

Anyway the Daily Reflection had to do with ‘complete abandon.’  I thought about ‘abandon.’  Giving up completely.  Ceasing to take care of or look after.  Completely leaving.  Somewhere in one of the books it says “abandon yourself to Him.”  Abandon myself.  I was so very bad for myself that I had to abandon myself in order to stop killing myself.

 

Today, as far as my relationship with alcohol, I will call this abandonment a success (just for today).  Today I didn’t drink it.  I went with God’s will rather than my own will, as an alcoholic.  Although since many many years have passed since I last drank alcohol, I do believe my own will conforms for the most part to God’s will in this matter.  I will never think it’s safe for me to drink again (God willing).

 

But there are other ways in which I have not abandoned myself to God’s will as completely as I finally did with alcohol.  I still “take care” of myself in many ways, and my will doesn’t get closer to God’s will and doesn’t conform, and my mind doesn’t get changed, and my brain doesn’t get washed.  There are character defects that make themselves known to me many times a day, often many times an hour, and I still don’t do what I know very well I “should” do.  I’ve come to think of that “should” as a sort of voice of God.  When I know what I “should” do I know what the right thing is, and I very often fail to do it.  Even though my one complete abandonment (maybe two, counting cigarettes) has gone so well, improved my life, and given me life itself.

 

I wonder what Hazelden’s gift for today is.

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4 thoughts on “September 8, 2014 (this day)

  1. I really like what you say about taking care of yourself but your will not getting any closer to God’s will. I am so hard on myself about what I think or how I feel. Thinking, “I should FEEL different now, I should THINK different now”. Thanks for sharing.

    • Thanks so much for your comment. For me, knowing that once I get to where I “should” go with my actions and thoughts I will be healthier and happier, it doesn’t seem to help propel me there.

  2. Yeah, you know I really need to respond to this. I wonder if too often we confuse thoughts and feelings. In my little world, I see my thoughts as something controllable in that I can choose whether to act on them. My feelings are something else. When I act simply on my feelings I more often than not end up in places of deep regret. And I think the bottom line here is that we are fallen people living in a fallen world. Our sociology is fallen. We have greedy government, corrupted politics and governments in the world. We have tribes of people, nations and groups of people. Our biology is fallen. I don’t care if you are redeemed. You will get sick, you will grow old and you will die one day (if you live long enough). Certainly our relationships are fallen, which is why my wife and I both come from broken marriages. Our psychology is fallen. We are insecure and we envy. We are conditioned to envy, we are conditioned to covet, we are conditioned to be unsatisfied with what we have. We are people who are insecure, who are jealous. We are all fraught with this because our psychology is fallen. And all of that is a long way around of saying my feelings are fallen, which is why I’m always looking for a way to medicate them.

    Hey, I’m death at cocktail parties.

    • Thank you for your comment. Being popular at a cocktail party is not something I strive to be!

      I understand what you’re saying, and for me, AA has given me a new way of thinking and a new way of striving. Now I want to be grateful and serene, and helpful in even the most difficult circumstances. That’s my ideal, anyway, though in the moment the pleasure principle often wins out.

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