March 22, 2014 (this day)

IMG_0351It was two weeks yesterday since Alek died.  Since then I’ve been to his funeral.  I’ve been to my daughter’s new place far far away from here.   I’ve been to work without my partner for two weeks.  I’ve been to an AA meeting far, far away from here (in my daughter’s new place).  I’ve been in freezing fog (coming home from my daughter’s new place).  I’ve been in winter and now I hope to be in spring.

In writing all that, I hoped to develop some over-arching truth about something that would make me feel better about it all.  I am actually better about it all.  Getting back to work last Wednesday without Irene there was easier for me than it had been the week before.  Every moment didn’t fill me with terrible sadness, like the moments did before.  Maybe it helps that’s I’ve seen my daughter’s new place and can picture her there a little bit.  Maybe it helps that she seems happy with her choice so far.  That certainly helps.  A reprieve from snow and ice is also a wonderful thing.  And Alek’s death at 61 makes me and most of us who knew him determined to be less sad about things that are actually happy.

OK, maybe that one is just me.  I talked to someone from work the other day about her struggles with her step children.  Having lived through one of the roles in that unhappy constellation and having come out the other side with my wife still here and my children still speaking to us, I was so able to see that the things my colleague was stressing over were so minor in the scheme of things.  Not worth the negative emotion she was spending on them.  I’m hoping to do that for myself in my new situations.

She said my talk with her was “uplifting.”  How cool that I, who was once drunk and dying under the table, today can “uplift” someone.  That’s all because of AA.

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