January 5, 2014 (this day)

IMG_0930I have some boring, and some troubling things going on. 

The weather is very dark, and very cold.  I’ve given up looking at weather reports and I’ve asked Carole not to tell me about impending snow.  I spend less time worrying that one.  One day recently it was my worst case scenario.  I was at work, watching the snow fall, wondering if/when I’d get home.  That morning (not before) I found out we were expecting snow.  So I didn’t worry about it until that morning.  Then I made a real effort not to worry.  That morning, Carole and I read from My Utmost for His Highest, which we’ve doing since we learned that they read this book in early AA.  I related whatever the reading was to my snow worry (and that’s not easy to do, to relate those readings to anything, sometimes).  Anyway I did well through the day until the last hour, when the snow was coming down and I worried that if clients didn’t get out, I wouldn’t be able to leave.  My ride home was snowy but uneventful.  Really, as always.

I am so sick of this particular character defect.

Now terrible cold is coming, and that worries me.  In addition to worrying about getting to work, I’m worrying about my daughter.  She has an interview for a job here (dare I hope?  I dare not!) and will be driving in the terrible cold.

The day of her interview I have my first ever colonoscopy (sorry).  That’s scary.  The day before when I can’t eat is scary.  The night before when I have to drink that stuff is scary.  The procedure and the results are scary.

My work partner’s husband, I’ll call him Alek (as I’ve called her Irene), went for his first colonoscopy two weeks ago.  He is 61, and hates the doctor, and didn’t go at the recommended age of 50.  He also had symptoms that something might be wrong.  They found a mass so big they couldn’t continue.  They biopsied it and it is cancer.  They just found this out last week.

This disturbs me in so many ways.  I’m upset for Irene, I hate that she will have to go through this, no matter how it turns out.  I’m worried for me, because I have to be at work when she’s not, so I’m afraid I’ll have to be there a lot.  Even more afraid that she would quit or retire.  And not looking forward to my procedure.

This all sounds like a ton of worry, and it is.  I feel more worried and unsettled than usual.  Not knowing where my daughter will end up living is a big one.  Also Carole and my mother are planning a trip to Alaska (with me).  I don’t want to go, but my mother is at a point where it might be now or never.  Knowing every day that the weather could be challenging is no fun.  And my hip hurts something fierce.  I don’t know why.  My hip and my . . . breasts.  Menopause continued.  Two sometimes members of our meetings have relapsed again, one in a scary way that makes me remember not everyone makes it, and these two may not.

I didn’t drink in 2013, not once.  Irene (on a different topic) asked me about a party we had at the house for AA folks, and the New Year’s Eve AA party we went to.  “You mean, you just get together, and you don’t drink?”  Pretty much.  I did look at the crowd at the party and imagine us drunk.  This scene could only happen in my imagination, because in reality I couldn’t hold it together to attend such an event, or live such a life, if I was drinking.

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