Who Cares to Admit Complete Defeat? (Step One)

WHO cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one,
of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea
of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that,
glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an ob-
session for destructive drinking that only an act of Provi-
dence can remove it from us.

As I have written out in my story, and as I seem to share endlessly, I fought this long and hard.  Within a few days or weeks of beginning to drink, I knew I was in serious trouble.  I contacted AA thinking they helped alcoholics drink safely.  I went to my first meeting at 16 years old, all on my own.  After a few false starts I stayed sober for 18 months.

And then I drank again, and again and again for another five years.  I went from “probably going to be an alcoholic” (in the estimation of my high school psychology teacher, God bless him) to unable to function at all.  I couldn’t write my name.

And so I understand now, I hope, that although I thought I had taken the first step when I first got sober, I hadn’t.  I hadn’t admitted complete defeat because I went on to try and drink successfully.  And at that time I surely wouldn’t have admitted that I needed an “act of Providence” to save me.

Why?  It’s interesting that the instinct to survive almost kills us.  Kills many of us.  I am so lucky.

As for how this step and concept are active in my life today, most important of all is the fact that I feel sure I won’t drink again.  I won’t drink, and I won’t stop the behaviors of working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, just in case, and because I don’t want to stop.

I’m powerless over other things and I’m afraid that they don’t  impair me the way alcohol did, so I don’t admit defeat, so I continue to struggle with them.  Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

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2 thoughts on “Who Cares to Admit Complete Defeat? (Step One)

  1. I can totally relate to this. I thought I had it nailed, but a tiny part of me didn’t want to admit total defeat, so I convinced myself I wasn’t like “them”. So back out I went only to learn a simple truth: I am and always will be completely powerless over alcohol.

    God willing I’ll never forget and never drink another drop 🙂

  2. I came across your blog because I guess the part of “crying out against the idea of personal powerlessness” applies to me on my daily addictive thoughts, I don’t call myself an alcoholic, but t do have a an addictive personality which it manifested itself with a different mood-altering experience though love, sex, romance, fantasy. However, as a part of the step 3 says, By now, though, the chances are that he has become convinced that he has more problems than alcohol (addiction)…. That’s my big struggles and I link it to the part that you talk about on this article, “personal powerlessness” I feel that I can no longer relay on my thoughts, actions how I can function in society because of my insane thinking driven by my fears. And any decisions or even the “poly-addiction” is showing up there, wanting constantly to destroy my life and that’s what today I am fighting against this horrible evil in my head that tells me “all negative things” and keeps me stuck on the corner with fear to get out and keep moving.forward.

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