October 15, 2012 (this day)

I had a very terrible morning in which I got tripped up by the same situation, the same character defects.  I was anticipating short staff later in the week.  Anticipating!!  I lost patience and it was not good.  I apologized to the victims of my frightened temper.  I need to do better in that situation, since it is definitely recurring in my life, often.

There is rigidity and fear of change.  I am afraid that the people who left my work place had some magic and that without it, we will fall apart to some extent.  I fear getting to know the new people who are working with us.  And mostly, as always, I fear not being able to protect and provide enough staff for the people at work.

And I do get sarcastic.  I let my work partner do most of the talking today for fear of what I might say.  That is progress but really not much.  I do not want to rest on the progress any longer.

Shyness comes into play with having to bond with the new people.  I also have to deal with some old people who I don’t really like and who don’t like me.  That is rough.  But again, I want to take another step away from that character defect.

I’m self-centered in thinking about myself, how I can’t provide for others.  My inability to provide impacts them also, but in this situation, on top of a staff shortage, they also have to deal with me and my lousy attitude.

Carole and I read The Greatest Thing in the World by Henry Drummond because it is something that they used to create the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.  In it Drummond writes about the Prodigal Son’s BROTHER, how his sulky, shitty attitude brought everyone down.  I coincidentally was searching for a prayer for patience and found one that tells me to ask God to help me hide my irritations and woes so that I may be the only one who suffers from them.

If I can’t escape being irritated, I do not need to show it.  A bad mood is contagious just like a good mood is.  It is an easy thing, most of the time, for me to summon a feeling of gratitude very quickly, almost without thinking.  That is the demeanor I need to put forward at work, even more so when something is actually wrong.

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3 thoughts on “October 15, 2012 (this day)

  1. I’ve been fighting my bad temper my whole life, this post made me think I haven’t seen it too much lately.
    Don”t compare your insides to other peoples outsides.

  2. My introversion and shyness make me anxious about new situations/meeting new people. This can lead to me beating myself up over how I’m feeling, questioning why I can’t be different, frustration and finally lots of anger. So I project my anger/fear/negativity onto the new situation/new folks and decide I don’t like them or the horse they rode in on, thank you very much. This tends to be just a tad offputting (ya think?) and pushes folks away leaving me to wonder why no one likes me 🙂 It’s a vicious cycle.

    My recovery teaches me that acceptance is the answer….I need to accept my feelings of fear, awkwardness, shame and judgment and ask God to give me the willingness to do the next right thing/act as if. When I am able to give myself grace and accept my shortcomings I am much better able to extend that same acceptance and grace to others. This helps me to be more compassionate and grateful that I am now able to interact without the cushion of a drink or at least the cushion I thought a drink provided. It’s a miracle that today I can introduce myself to folks, look them in the eye and put out my hand without alcohol, even if I do do it imperfectly.

    It’s also true for me that stress places my character defects front and center. Woo-hoo!
    You have a stressful job. Be gentle with yourself.

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