But Today, in Well-Matured A.A.’s (Step Twelve continued)

But today, in well-matured A.A.’s, these distorted drives have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction.  We no longer strive to dominate or rule those about us in order to gain self-importance.  We no longer seek fame and honor in order to be praised.

It humbles me, first of all, to consider myself a well-matured AA whose distorted drives may have – should have been restored to something like their true purpose and direction.  I know that time is only a number, that if I don’t drink today I’ve won, that everyone has their own time and pace and etc but really.  If, after 28 years of sobriety in the program, I’m not a well-matured AA, I should consider giving it up.

I never tried to dominate or rule in order to gain self-importance.  I don’t like being in charge, and I’d much rather follow orders and have it be your fault when it goes wrong.  There are a few things, however, about which I am very certain that I’m right, and it should be done my way.

I have some opinions at work, and mostly my problem there is that I am right, and I’m called to judge, assess, and lead others in the right direction.  It’s a responsibility I need to constantly take more seriously.  I need to do it more, and better, and not consider my own dislike of conflict so much when I direct others.  Oy.

At home, it’s more complicated.  There are a few things I feel right about and really can’t change my opinion, even if I don’t get my way.

But I think those things are few.  Seeking fame and honor – that has never been me.  I don’t like praise, it brings attention to me, and I don’t like attention.  My dislike of attention is more than it should be.  Thanks to AA, I know it is a kind of twisted “pride in reverse.”

Boy, “a well-matured AA” is quite a thing to think about.  Honestly, I don’t like the ‘progress not perfection” kind of cop-out I so often hear.  For me, personally, it is just as true that I can always, always, step it up a bit.

 

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3 thoughts on “But Today, in Well-Matured A.A.’s (Step Twelve continued)

  1. “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
    – Anna Quindlen

    I thank my lucky stars that we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection (even though I recognize the ideal we strive for is spiritual perfection.) My experience is that some days I really can’t step it up a bit. Some days the best I can do is to ask God for help, get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and not take a drink. My false pride often tells me that I’m not a “well matured AA” and that “I should just give it up.” God help me if I ever listen to that voice. I use my sponsor to tell me if I’m copping out or just being human. Being sober is teaching me to accept my limitations with humility and to recognize and use my gifts instead of hiding them because I’m afraid they’re not enough.

    ps. I’m really glad you’re back. Be gentle. (with yourself)

  2. Some DAYS, yes, but over the course of decades, I find the movement for me has to be forward, not just keeping ground.

    I think of the man we know who passed away …… less than a year ago (I’m bad with remembering when things happened). He got sober the same year as me, but he was in his 80s when he died, I think. He had been actually declining, because of age and infirmity, and I know that if I’m very lucky, that will be my story as well. And I really wonder, sometimes, if I’m not in the age-related decline myself. I know I am in some ways, but mostly I’m not. I need to keep getting better. I want to keep getting better. I want to come closer to owning those words, “well-matured AA,” “restored,” “true purpose and direction.” And to do it with TREMENDOUS humility, of course.

    ; – P

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