How we alcoholics did resent that verdict! We would not believe that our adult dreams were often truly childish. And considering the rough deal life had given us, we felt it perfectly natural that we were sensitive. As to our grandiose behavior, we insisted that we had been possessed of nothing but a high and legitimate ambition to win the battle of life.
Again, this doesn’t resonate with me too well. My “dream” was to be the stay-at-home mother of many children, mainly because of the way I grew up, as an only child with a dead father. My dream was to be the drunken stay at home mother. It was a childish dream, and grandiose in its way of hoping for something I couldn’t possibly pull off given the way I drank.
Often, when I tell my story, I tell of how the two people I “admired” and aspired to be like in way were Ted Kennedy and Mrs. O’Dwyer. Ted Kennedy, because he was a famous drunk and yet seemed to hold down a job. Mrs. O’Dwyer, because she was the neighborhood drunken mother of four, who, despite her drunkenness, somehow managed to still be the stay at home mother of four.
I did think that life had given me a rough deal of sorts. I felt certainly different, very different from the kids in the neighborhood and at school. I knew no one that didn’t have a father, that had a dead father. I had severe allergies and later bum knees that required surgery. And I’m short. I don’t care what anyone says, being short is not a good thing. It’s just not.
Of course all of this is well beyond the point as I understand it now. Whatever my circumstances, and my blessings and advantages far, far outweighed my lackings and disadvantages, my situation was my situation, and absolutely nothing could get better or even be OK while I was drinking alcoholically.