May 16, 2012 (this day)

Back from a family wedding.  My younger cousin got married, and Carole, Nicholas and I drove the 400 miles, and Erika flew.  We dealt with bigger cities than I ever hope to deal with again on a regular basis.

All my cousins on that side of my family are younger.  In addition to the one getting married, another is expecting a baby in August.  My mother and her three siblings are all still with us.  This was really my family of origin, since I’m an only child, my father died young, and my grandparents, aunts, uncles and then cousins were a big part of my life.  I moved away and back several time, and now away for most likely good fourteen years ago.  My mother moved away from them about five years ago, and it will never, of course, be the same.

The older generation got drunk and …… not too crazy.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I feared it would be.  There was lots of awful drama leading up to the wedding and I just don’t know why people can’t decide to be happy, look on the bright side, give people the benefit of the doubt.  But it wasn’t too bad.

While we were there, we took the kids to their grandparents’ house.  They passed away, in their 90s, within a few weeks of each other, some months ago.  Since the trip is so long and difficult, I didn’t know if they’d get there again before their possessions are done away with, and I wanted them to have the chance to get any mementos they might want.

It was very spooky and surreal.  Like an estate sale, but nothing for sale, just most of their possessions there where they had left them.  A whole world and life now done.

I won’t draw too much of a contrast between their son, my ex, the father of my children, and myself.  He was, at one time, at least six years sober, successful in business and at least fully functioning, if not outrageously happy, or happy enough.  He’s not functioning now, and I hope that my kids at least get what their grandparents meant to give them, but whether they do or they don’t, no one has taken anything from them, or from me.  They’re both doing really well and I have no reason other than a mother’s anxiety to think they’ll go the other way.  It’s like the world balancing on the razor’s edge.  Two paths, one decision that leads to another.

And I haven’t been back to work since last Friday, but I’ll be going tomorrow.  Today Carole and I shopped briefly for a stained glass window to put in our house in honor of our 15th anniversary, which will be June 5.  Of course that anniversary isn’t a legal one, since we’re not yet legal.  Because we’d set a bad example for the children?  Because this is against one or another religion?  Because ………….?

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