April 13, 2012 (this day)

Today would have been my father’s birthday.  I guess he would have been 76?  He died when he was 33, from alcoholism.  This fact drove me to AA, and makes me fear for some of the people I know who continue to suffer.

I’ve had another week at work.  The report that will detail what I did wrong has not yet been submitted.  Meanwhile I was asked today to do something, and I said no.  I don’t often do that.  I was asked to learn how to teach people to do the physical techniques we use on our clients in emergencies.  My agency needs some people to go learn to be trainers, since in the budget cut/layoffs the whole training department was laid off.  I said no mostly because I don’t feel physically up to it.  I’m very short.  Too short to do most of the techniques.  But I’m also getting more feeble by the minute and I have something really wrong with my back and at least one knee.  But I will truly take the fact that I was asked as a compliment, and maybe a sign that all will yet be well there.  The important lesson is, as it always has been, that I need to be grateful for what I have today.  For what I had in the past, yes, and for what I will have in the future, yes, but mostly for what I have today.

There was a politician at the door earlier.  I am left of liberal and very political.  But Carole chased after him to ask how he felt about same-sex marriage.  As part of my daily moral inventory I will record that I am extremely resentful when straight people want to deny me the right of marriage.  When Democrats do it, it is all the more infuriating.  I know that this will come to be standard one day, and the only question is if I will live long enough.  And that’s selfish.  I’m sure people are dying in my state right now who didn’t get to marry and it’s just so wrong.

The ideal is for me to humbly accept that I am discriminated against and I just can’t get there.  This is very personal.

I really try to stay away from the news of politics because I know who I’m voting for, I know whose campaign I will give time and money to.  I don’t need to hear what the others have to say and I don’t need to get worked up about this stuff.  I just need to be healthy and live a really long time.

What would my father think?  I have no idea.  My mother seems OK with things . . . alcoholism made it so that I have no idea what my father would think of anything.  He’d probably be astonished that this is even a question and as for being OK with me as a daughter?  I will never know.

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