Ten minutes of terror. Afraid at work, as usual, and a big boss wants to talk to me, it’s important, he’ll be right there. Only he wasn’t, and I waited. Is this “it?”
Now it wasn’t an idle ten minutes. The nature of my job is that there are things going on constantly, constantly, we work at home in order to concentrate for any period of time. So it was busy but it also gave me a chance to touch true anxiety, fear and uncertainty, to know I was in it, to examine it and maybe one day lessen it.
I read my meditation for the work week. I change it (weekly) and read it Monday morning and seldom remember after that. This week it is about change. I don’t like change. I “hate” change, unless it is clearly a change for the better. Even then, doing something like moving to a better building, which would be very good, is tinged with anxiety and badness, because it is “change.” Anyway my thingy to meditate on says something along the lines of everything is changing constantly, and God made it this way, so why not use some God-given talents to embrace change, talents like visioning, imagery and imagination. As it is with all of these sayings, I saw for the “first” time that it says “maybe” I should learn to use these tools. Maybe I should!
So worry, fret, do some work, pace around. Big boss arrives and his question has nothing to do with my current worry. And then he gives me a compliment. And then a (difficult) client comes and gives me a compliment. And then I wrote this. And now I’ll move on.