I went to work today and fretted more about the job. I won’t know for some time. In the not knowing I cling to different meditations and prayers. No coincidences in AA? I think there are a few. But I’m listening to some Clancy tapes in the car to and from work. He said something about some prayer he has on his wall. (Had? Surely he must be dead) Yesterday in a moment of extreme distress at work I clicked on World Prayers and spun the random prayer wheel. I had the fleeting thought that maybe something fitting and meaningful would come up and this is what did:
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean that I am
actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all
that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you
will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death, I will
not fear, for you are ever with me
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
So, not in the shadow of death here just yet, at least not that I know of. But yeah, it fits. Really I think that I can do a good job or a poor job of serving God and my fellow human beings wherever I work. It’s just that, among other things, I know where the pencils are kept where I am, and I like it that way.
And there are the 14-year relationships I have. I like those too. After work today I went to a school to visit a young man who will graduate from school and come to my program. The challenges he faces every day are more than I can imagine.
Someone I used to work with was diagnosed with cancer last May. This time last year she was getting sick, thinking it was pneumonia or something, going to the doctor, trying a treatment. Now after chemo-radiation-surgery it’s not gone, it may have spread.
Carole just told me that someone we know in AA lost her son in a motorcycle accident today. I used to go to the same meeting as this woman every week, but that was years ago. Years go by and I don’t see her. I saw her a few years ago when she told her story at a meeting I attended. Then some more years go by. But I know such intimate details of her past and she knows mine, if she remembers. It’s an odd family we make here, loosely organized, as they say.
My kittens will be one year old tomorrow. Having them in the house surely takes my mind off of the ones who were here last year, dying.
Tomorrow I’m going to work again and, because of my crisis, I’m going to love it more than I ever have before. But I’m also going to concentrate on the stress and tediousness of it, on the part of me that often wants to let it go and stay home and volunteer for the historical society and literacy volunteers. Because I’m afraid I might lose it soon but I know I will lose it eventually.
So I learn more every day about living in the now.