Even When We Were Well Reestablished (Step Twelve continued)

Even when we were well reestablished in our business, these terrible fears often continued to haunt us.  This made us misers and penny pinchers all over again. Complete financial security we must have–or else.  We forgot that most alcoholics in A.A. have an earning power considerably above average; we forgot the immense goodwill of our brother A.A.’s who were only too eager to help us to better jobs when we deserved them; we forgot the actual or potential financial insecurity of every human being in the world.  And, worst of all, we forgot God.  In money matter we had faith only in ourselves, and not too much of that.

I’ve come a long way in my attitude about money and I’ve overcome a lot of fear of financial insecurity.  These days I’m more likely to suffer from financial resentment about the cost to my family of being gay.  But in general I do well with it.

I really like the thought about the actual or potential financial insecurity of every human being in the world.  Some people, I know, are so financially insecure that they starve to death or freeze to death and I am not special or chosen or different, I’m just lucky.

I hear it over and over, how “God” comes through for this person or that person in this time of need or in these circumstances.  I just don’t believe it.  “God” fails to come through for others.  Was it “their time?”  Am I special and protected, until it’s “my time?”

So I think about the eye of the needle, and how difficult it is to live right while having so very much in a material sense.  To whom much is given, much will be required.  Even as I sit here, my kitchen light is on, illuminating an empty kitchen.  I don’t know how I got here, but that’s where my mind went.

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