April 25, 2011 (this day)

A note from the trenches.

Carole, Nicholas and I sped over (seven hours or so in the car) to see Erika for Easter.  We arrived late at night.  Carole and I slept on the floor, Erika on the couch, and Nicholas in her bed.  This year their Easter baskets had not much candy and some kitchen implements.

Carole and I went to a church in Erika’s city.  It was surprisingly diverse for a regular Lutheran church.  After church though we got a message from the dog sitter that the old one was fading fast.

Stream of consciousness here:  not fast enough.  This is Monday now.  I sit here, working at home, Carole’s gone to work and the old dog continues to go down by inches.  He doesn’t seem to be in pain or distress.  We look for that like hawks and will take him right away if that happens.  But he’s not even drinking now.  He rests for long periods of time but not long enough.

The process is so awful.  We want ………. we want ………… we want …………. This is what we get.  A very long time with a very pampered pooch.  Vets and money to pay them.  No amount of money or expertise will spare us from this.

So my thoughts in the midst of it.  I know it will pass.  It won’t be like this forever, or even for very long.  We have had an extremely privileged life with this dog, and we’re having a privileged death, but we aren’t being spared from at least some of the process.

I had a cat when I was drinking.  Thankfully she lived long and saw me sober as well.  But I know some little something of drunken pet ownership.  Sobriety has given us fairly clear heads and present bodies ready and able to do what’s best.  Sobriety has given us a huge support network and they’ve been supporting us as much as they can.  Sobriety has given us the gift of no major regrets.  We have some small regrets about the way things have gone with this particular dog but no big ones.  At the bottom of it, sobriety has given us the ability to make a living to support a dog and now to let him go the best possible way.

I have no idea what that way is right now, but I am getting an excellent lesson in living in the moment.  It truly is moment by moment here and I guess it will be for a short while, and then it will pass.

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