Futhermore, How Shall We Come to Terms (Step Twelve continued)

Furthermore, how shall we come to terms with seeming failure or success?  Can we now accept and adjust to either without despair or pride?

 

Not me, not yet, not completely (or anywhere near).

I love the word seeming.  How often does something seem to be a success, or a failure, and turn out not to be?

My understanding of this continues to grow.  I know, on some level, that nothing is either good or bad, it just is.  I know that sometimes my real difficulties begin when I get what I want.  I know that it’s my attitude that colors everything under the sun.

One of my “sister” programs got audited by the state.  It is a program that deals with many challenges, and the managers have done a good job getting it in shape for inspection.  If they were to fail, their efforts and good works would still be there, but there would be many moments of despair.  On the other side, if they do well, some of those who have worked long and hard are bound to feel pride.

OK I need to think about me.  I strive in every case for the middle ground.  My ancient cat is failing, and I try to move my thoughts to the good life I’ve given him.  Not the best life a cat could possibly have, but a good life.  I’ve reached important adult milestones with my kids.  Neither one lives with me, both support themselves.  I haven’t been the best parent, and I try not to feel pride, but rather to feel calm about it, remembering I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Every day (or, at this point, year) that they allow me to stay at my job, I feel surprised, and lucky, and a little bit like they don’t really know the real me.  I can see that I’ve influenced things at work over the years, and I try to remember that and to be a good influence today for tomorrow.  If my relationship has (sadly) lasted longer than most, I know that people fail at this at every stage of the game.  If I set goals, and accomplish them, I really feel like at this time in my life, that is how it should be.

So that there is a list of successes, and really, that’s what I feel I have right now.  I failed in my resolution to not buy any yarn in 2011, but that is, after all, the sin of a really good person.

Every day sober is a success.

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