December 1, 2010 (this day)

Today I took my mother to the airport, and this afternoon I got my car back from the transmission guy whose office had terrible, terrible pictures of Barack Obama – nasty stuff.  I really hope they didn’t do anything to my car, my 2001 (that I bought used) with the vintage Hillary and Obama bumper stickers.  The Hillary sticker is, by the way, bright and beautiful, while the Obama sticker has faded terribly.  NOT metaphoric.  Personally, I love the president.

But anyway, now my mother and my daughter and my daughter’s cats are gone.  My days off of work are gone, though tomorrow I have a very nerve-wracking two hour meeting followed by shopping (which I hate), followed by the dentist.  I’m having the second half of my gums scraped, and now I know that it takes more than hour, it hurts like hell, my hands and feet will go cold after so long, and if I choose to get a shot in the front gums of my mouth, that will hurt like hell.  And it costs a lot, as well.

This morning we had rain that turned to snow, and I’m entering the time of year when I’m afraid to walk the dog sometimes in the morning, because I’m afraid to slip and fall.  Of course in the afternoons it’s too cold to hang out outside, and it gets dark early.  I really want to adjust my mental attitude better about this.  I see it coming, here it is, I have to cope better.

So over the Thanksgiving holiday, a loved one engaged in some very very high risk behavior, and I spent those hours not knowing if she would be OK.  My 20-year-old cat also seemed to be not long for this world, and on Thanksgiving, we really all thought he might die.  He’s perked up, strangely, though he loses skills all the time.  He’s now not able to put himself on the couch anymore.  He walks so very stiffly, it’s painful to watch.  But he still loves his food and loves to be pet and seems to be enjoying life well enough, for now, I guess.

I don’t know if I recorded here that I “won”  Nanowrimo.  I wrote just over 50,000 words during the month of November, and now I have to think about what to do with those words.  I finished a few days ago, and I truly do miss writing it, but it was grueling.  My story isn’t anywhere near finished, and I could easily keep going.  I guess I have to decide if the amusement is worth the time.  One thing I enjoyed immensely about it was that if there was something I wanted to stop obsessing over, I could easily turn my thoughts to my story.  I liked that a lot.

Another sort of odd thing came up.  My mother had put money away for my kids’ college, and through a boring set of circumstances, they may not use it all, and they promise not to have kids to save it for, and some of it may belong to me.  I can take the money out and pay the penalty, but a few years ago, I was seriously considering going to school for a professional certificate.  I could use the money for that.  I put that on a shelf when things changed for me at work, but I’d still like to do it.

I am filled with gratitude for all the things I’ve mentioned here (and thousands I haven’t), whether they fill me with anxiety or even pain (dear dentist and crazy car repair people).  I want to be less angsty in the new year.  And I can do it.  In 2010 I read 33 books (so far, with a goal of 25), crocheted  20 something scarves (and some blankets), I slightly lengthened my morning walk with the dog, flew very far away and back with no drugs and without alerting the media, and I did something I didn’t even set out to do, which was begin to write a terrible novel.

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