If our turn comes to speak at a meeting, we again try to carry A.A.’s message. Whether our audience is one or many, it is still Twelfth Step work.
I’ve been trying, in this blog, to explain (to myself) and record some of my difficulties as an oldtimer. I started it, in a way, because I find so much of the people, meetings, literature, etc, around me to be geared to newcomers. If they are the most important people in a meeting, I guess I am among the least important.
But to continue my sob story, my problems with being an oldtimer pale in comparison to being an introvert. This is not a good personality type for success in AA. But luckily, I got desperate enough before I actually died to talk to the people, use the phone, sponsor people, speak at meetings. I did what I had to do, though it was often very difficult and it often made me anxious and unhappy.
Having the experience of watching Carole grow up in AA, I know it is a far different experience for an extrovert.
So what follows are true confessions.
I STILL hate to say anything at an AA meeting. I hate having a room full of people look at me and listen to me. I have spent years in AA “passing” at my turn because I hate to speak up so.
And I feel badly about it. It’s part of what I was writing about previously in the 12th step. I need to represent! Whether or not my very presence helps anyone at all (besides me), I should have something worthwhile to say about almost everything that comes up at this point.