July 30, 2010 (this day)

The unrelenting heat has broken just a bit.  I’m home from work, waiting for Erika to come over and sign the contract for the movers who will take her stuff, next month, eight hours away for at least three years as she begins graduate school.

Carole is off on vacation for the week.  After Erika leaves, there’s no where I need to be until my meeting Saturday night.  I have work every day, and all the upkeep and work of the house and animals on my own.  Other than that, I am obligated.  I’m actually on the edge of being happy about it.  I’m almost happy about.  There is one small resentment keeping me from being happy about it.  I’m not sure what to do about that.  I don’t yet know how to really work AA around issues of my immediate family.  I mean, mostly I do, but not completely.

Yesterday at work I felt myself getting balled up and I tried a spot check inventory.  My work partner had given me a blank journal before my trip to Hawaii.  Inside she wrote something like “enjoy the journey.”  I didn’t write anything in it on the trip, but I pulled it out for maybe an ongoing spot check inventory.  Just thinking about this stuff makes me progress so slowly.  I hope that by writing it down and thinking about it I may be better, faster.  That’s what it’s all about, right?

Anyway we have some students at work and I got anxious about keeping them busy.  This is really silly, since it was their first day, and just watching was plenty for them to do.  I got anxious about my work partner and I evaluating our staff.  We have to do this.  I can see why this is a good idea, and how it will ultimately help things, but telling people what they do wrong will be very difficult for both of us.  All three of us, I guess, counting the evaluee.

There are two physical areas of my work where I feel unwelcome.  This is because the staff are unwelcoming!  It makes me anxious!!  No, I allow myself to become anxious.  A particular person at work also made me anxious.  That one had to do with money.

I’m not sure why, for me, some days are more anxiety ridden than others.  Nothing really bad happened yesterday.  It was a lot like today and today I didn’t have all that anxiety.

Today I’m anxious about my resentment.  I don’t know if it would be better to discuss it, and risk bad feelings, or to stuff it and try to ignore it.  Just writing that, of course I know what the answer should be.  But is it?  Restraint of tongue and pen and all . . .

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