Today I walked the dog before work, worked, and came home. It was all nicely standard, except for the weather, which is freezing. I expect to see snow any minute now. Thursday is the day we originally planned to go to Hawaii, but we had to change that plan because our son is graduating on Sunday, so we’ll go a week from Thursday.
Tomorrow I’ll go to Carole’s therapist to talk about my fear of flying, and all I’ve done, and all I will do. I have decided that I won’t seek a drug to take to face the flights. In all my years of flying, drugs have not been an option up until now, because I’ve always had babies and children to tend to on the planes. Since that isn’t a problem now, I’ve struggled with the decision to try a drug or not. In my life, I have never had a tranquilizer or a benzodiazepine.
I don’t know if it’s because of the time or place where I got sober, but it’s also come to my attention that I feel that to take someone else’s drugs would be wrong, would be a “slip,” actually. To me it’s dicey enough to go get a doctor to prescribe something. Just because I know I could get a doctor to do it, to skip that part of the process and just take something . . .
I haven’t gotten much support for my drug-free ideas inside the program or out. I want to fly for the rest of my life, happily, not drugged. I really think that taking a drug to change my mind or my mood is a risky, risky thing. I really hope I can pull this off.