February 23, 2010 (this day)

I’m very down and discouraged and I feel terrible and I feel terrible about feeling terrible.

I have a rotten cold.  I have women’s issues.  The world is gray and frozen and slushy.  I have a sore in my mouth that hurts.  I can’t do much at work but stay away from everyone so I don’t infect them.  I’m still alone at home and doing all the house and critter care.

I feel horrible about this dog.  I can’t walk her, now I can’t even run up and down the stairs with her to give her exercise.  She’s the sweetest thing ever and she does not complain.  That makes it worse.  She goes out in the back yard and barks and barks and barks.  She comes in and chews herself and looks at me lovingly.

I’ve done all the litter scooping by myself.  One of the cats is eating cat litter, which is totally new for him.  I think he needs grass but I can’t grow it inside for him because he’ll attack it.  Taking some grass seed to work would mean battling the frozen slush to get to the shed to get some out.

Both of my kids have need ferrying to medical appointments.  The last one I had to do was this morning and they are done.  Both kids are beyond what any mortal deserves in a child.  They are wonderful and I feel like crappy crap for complaining.

Carole’s on her way home after being away and I know I won’t be any fun and no no pleasure to be with.  She’s off again next week for another time away and I can do all this again.  MAYBE without the cold, the slush, the period, the mouth sore.  Maybe.  Maybe with something worse.  That is where my head is today.

I just typed out those wonderful words about how I can’t control anything but my thoughts, perceptions and responses and for the moment I want to scream BS!!  I’m also slightly superstitious and think that if I don’t get a grateful grip soon, something truly awful will happen just to show me the difference.  Which I already know.

So for the first time in my life, I’m considering acreage, for the dog.  She deserves it.  But she probably wouldn’t live long enough for me to get that together.

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